Day 24

How was your week been?

Meh.

Dear you.

I'm not sure exactly how I feel about you...
Sooooo, i'mma pray now and love every bit of you despite how I really want to feel about you.

Day 23

Describe what you spend most of your time on.

Internet. That's about it =(

Manstration

I seriously think that it is a real thing.
There is no doubt in my mind.

Turtleee

Wish that was what happened to mahh turtle!!!!
Hmm... I want to watch Ponyo! I thinks I will do that now.

Day 22

What made you smile the most today?

Teehee, Courtney said H-null in the same way Xuey would. Made me laugh and smile =)

Day 21

How has your life changed over the past year?

Hmmm...
I'd say it has changed quite a bit. Not really in terms of how I look, more like the way I think. It was quite the challenge to go to church regularly due to some... issues I had with myself, and so that is a drastic change for me. It may not seem that way to yooooou... but for me it's a big step. These reasons remain confidential... lol.
Let's see, I can say that I like myself better. That's another step in life that is quite the change. It's not like I didn't like the way I looked or whatever, it was more of a... I wasn't quite comfortable in my own skin. I felt very awkward (not that I don't now, just less) around people, I didn't know quite what to say... ya.
Coming to know Jesus more, to know God more were steps in my life that made me happier, and stronger. So ya!

I know I missed a day..... but whatever, BITE ME!

Guarded

Above all else, guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

I've Got You

When I know I'm not alone,
and I have You by my side to walk with me....
It's not so bad when I close my eyes
and really think about it.
I can't be alone if You're there.

It was You, it is You, and will always be You.

5... 4... 3... 2...

Oh.
Here we go again.

Day 20

What did you eat today?

I aaaaaaaateee... some french toast, peanut butter samich, scrambled eggs, and that's all so far for today. The french toast and scrambled eggs were made by brother-mom, fanks duuude.

Day 19

Write about your last birthday and how you plan to spend your upcoming birthday.

My birthday was pretty cool. I don't recall actually doing something on my birthday aside from turning 18. Mmm... The birthday party I had was a whole different story though. It was not a very good day, it started out great... but ya.... it didn't go so well near the end. Not at all.. >_>

My upcoming birthday... To be honest... after last year's lesson, I don't really want to do anything. I might just do something with F4, MK, JF, JD, and TF and maybe a couple others too since people from out of town are coming back.. and most of all my favorite Ailin is back!! I miss them peoples <3
I'm not exactly excited to turn 19 so... we'll keep things on the dl.

Among the Thirsty

Blue skies above
Oceans below
Nobody else in between
Catching my breath
Seeing Your face
No longer just in my dreams

I wanna stay here
Lost in Your shadow
Safe from the battle
Oh, I want to stay here
With You forever
This is where I want to be

Holding my hand
Finally free
I see forever from here
Where I'm alive
Where I belong
Where everything else disappears

...

Inside your arms
I am safe and I'm secure
With all that You've done
How could I ever ask for more?

Dear little 15 year olds....

We live in Calgary.
Yes.
I just had to point that out in case you all forgot.
Calgary has weather PMS, you should know that by now!
THAT MEAAAAANSS....
Just cause it's been kinda nice out for a few days, it does NOT, I repeat... NOT, mean that it will stay that way for the next few days.
SO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.
It's still snowing outside, and your bare legs will not like you for what you put them through...
That also means.... WEAR A JACKET, a hoodie will simply not do.
That is all.
Kkthnxbai.

Day 18

Post one confession/secret.

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Day 17

Bullet your day.

- Woke up
- Did my normal bathroom routine
- Ate yogurt
- Faye picked me up
- Went to Sociology
- Went to Religion
- Microwaved my food
- Hung out at TFD Library with Tammy
- Hung out with Kitty, Courtney, Jeff til class started
- Went to CompSci
- Kitty's mom drove me home
- Sitting here blogging

THAT'S ALL

MULAAAAN

Aweee

What Are Words..

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then it's on
When it's love
Yeah, you see them as lover's words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel would say
Just from me and now know I'm meant
To be where I am and I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then it's off
When it's love
Yeah, you see them as lover's words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

Day 16

Upload a picture of your room and talk about your room.



This is a picture of my old room. It actually looks almost like my new room without all the posters. I don't feel comfortable posting pictures of my new room lol. Anyways. I loved this room. Actually, we'll call it MY ROOM because it was... the one place I always felt the safest. My room... was the place to be... for me =)
I prayed there, I cried there, I called my crush there, I acted like a fool there, I expressed my anger there, I let everything out in my room. It was the one place I never had to hide who I was. It was the one place I could just... be me, have some me time... and feel safe. Safe as in, it was the place I knew no one could judge me for being me, it gave me time to think about things and yaaa... I spent maybe 13 years of my life in that room. It was a good room, my favorite place to be at the end of the day.. The place where I could shut myself from the world and create my very own world to hide. The place where I could lie in bed, look up at the ceiling and create pictures from the little dots there and let loose my imaginative canons hahaha.
I miss that room a lot actually. I never wanted to move away from my old house. I didn't want to leave that room and move into a new foreign room. I didn't want to leave the only place I thought I could call home.

Day 15

Write about something you worry about a lot.

I worry a lot about what I'm going to do as a career.. or rather, what I want to do with my life.
It's a never ending cycle with that topic =(

Day 14

Post your favorite book, favorite movie, favorite band, and favorite food.

Favorite book: I don't really have a favorite book... I do have a favorite series though. I haven't been reading for a very long time, sooo it's still the Pendragon series. I love those kinds of books that take me on an adventure, and allows me to use my imagination to explore.

Favorite movie: Again, I don't have a favorite movie. I think... a movie I would watch again because I like it so much is A Millionaire's First Love. It's a sad movie that I just really really enjoy. Hmm... Or Spirited Away. Or the Inuyasha movie Affections Touching Across Time hehe

Favorite Band: Again, again, I don't have a favorite band. BUT, I've been listening to a lot of Starfield lately

Favorite Food: I love them potatoes =)

Arms of Love

My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be than
In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love.

Cause You're the only one who would never hurt me.

Day 13

What are your plans for the future? Far and near.

I really just want to find something I could enjoy doing as a job and work towards something... since motivation and goals are something that don't seem to be of existence as of now.
Other things.... just the typical, get married, have kids, travel a bit here and there. Get a house and car.
I dunno, just the regular stuff.

Day 12

Write about the worst day of your life.

May 31, 2010, that's all


For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help
Psalm 22:24

Day 11

Write about the best day of your life.

Best day of my life? Finding Jesus. BEST DAY EVAR =D
Praise the Lord!!!


But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:33-34

Day 10

What’s the meanest thing anyone has ever said to you?

This actually happened yesterday.
My student called me a witch =(
I felt very sad.
Little children are so mean.
Why can't we all just love each other?


I really like Dr. Seuss stuff =)

Day 9

What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?

You suck.




I'm kidding.
I can't think of just one really nice thing someone said to me... But I think one of the things that I thought were very nice for people to say to me, was to just to let me know if I ever needed anything, they would be there for me =)


Mmmmhmmm =)

Day 8

How do you feel today?

I feel pretty darn happy =) Kinda tired, but overall, it was a good day.


Daawwwwww

Day 7

Upload a recent picture of you.


=)
I didn't want to be in the picture alone =P

Day 6

When was the last time you cried?

It was pretty recent. I think... a couple days ago over a movie... i think...
hahaha I don't actually remember.

Day 5

Write about a period of time in your life where things were not so good.

Well, going back to yesterday's mention of not-so-good stuff.. it was a time last year starting around march, maybe even earlier actually. Things seemed to keep spiraling downwards and just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.. it did.
I think it was a time where it really hit me... it hit me hard that you have appreciate the people around you. Really really appreciate them. Every time I think about it... my heart breaks, the effects of those months were tremendously painful.
It went from family issues to loosing someone that I never knew was so close to my heart and it hurts me every single time knowing that I didn't realize how much I was missing until the day I lost that someone.
It was also a time God opened my eyes, broadened my horizon. Looking back now, before any of those things happened I don't think I would have been able to comprehend or even have tried to understand it. It's not that I understand them fully now, but I feel like if certain events didn't happen in that last year I would have missed an important stage in my life and moments with God like I have never known, or thought I would have cared about.
Those not-so-good periods of my life always seemed to have an outcome where I can grow stronger as a person, stronger as a believer, always, always, when I leaned on God and just yearned for it.
God is so good. Even in the times where I felt I couldn't move on from... He'll always find a way to help, heck I think He'd just create His own way out for you.
=)

Day 4

Before I start some day 4 stuff, I just found some more blogs to follow =)
haha, I wonder I should tell them my blog just to be courteous..

Write about a period of time in your life where things seemed to be constantly going good.

Hm. So I think this would be last year during the summer. Starting around June and the constantly going good thing ended around.... i'm not sure haha. I thought that after some depressing stuff with family and such I really didn't think I would find myself in such a good place... I really didn't. The events that happened for a good solid few months of not-so-good things felt never ending.
Fortunately... God is good. He really is. I don't think I could have escaped that cycle if it weren't for the grace of God. I really felt like losing it. I really felt like I just couldn't take it anymore. And... God really doesn't give you things that are more then you can handle.
So back to constantly good stuff. I was in a good place with God, a place where seeking became everything I wanted and everything I needed to make me better, and God doesn't fail you when you try to find Him. I was in a good place with my relationships. A fantastic man found me and everything was going so well. My friends were all here, we hung out and had a good time.
It was a blissful few months.


What a cutie pie ♥

Day 3

If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you want to do?

Hmm... I would want to do a lot of things. Come to think of it... many people would have a lot of things they would want to do. What a stupid answer lol
Anyways.
In 24 hours, if accomplishable, I would like to tell all my loved ones how much they mean to me, tell all my non-believer loved ones about God, pray for a miracle that I won't have to die in 24 hours lol, eat my favorite foods, go bungee jumping, ride a motorcycle....
This is actually really hard to think of. Soooo ya... That's all I can come up with for now

Day 2

Write about the best friends you’ve had over the years.

Hmm...
Grade 2-6: 3 wonderful ladies(A,T,M), made my elementary years fantastic, memorable and just plain awesome. I think that this relationship was one of the first strongest attachments I have ever had. I missed them a lot, and was quite sad when the friendship was no longer able to sustain any longer. I'm still glad they were a part of my life in such a way that made those years ones of the best memories I have.

Grade 9-forever: F4
I love you ladies. Honestly, you guys complete my embarrassing self.... well, you just make it less... I have to say, A, C, K, are the funniest people, and overall exciting people to be around. I can say that there is never a dull moment. I want to say that I was a good friend to them, but from time to time I really doubt myself. Man, I don't know where I'd be without those 3. From the time where I was socially awkward, they still accepted me with open arms. I love them so much. I'm so blessed to have such people in life, who will always be there for me, listen to me, care about me. I have to thank God for such wonderful people.

T: You are great. We've had our moments and you really are something else. Something awesome. For me being so quiet from time to time, you make up the empty space. I'm glad I gots you in my life. You are definitely one of the best people, one of my best friends as much as it is hard for me to say.

F: We're cousins, but you are a undeniably one of my best friends. You were always there for me, thin and thick and I'm glad we have that family tie. Blood is thicker than water baby =)

D: You've come to be my best friend, the one I lean on and from time to time throw my burdens at. I can't think of anyone out there that's better for me, and there really isn't. God has blessed me with you, a best friend who I can share my thoughts, feelings... and almost everything with.

The Big J: NO, it is not that guy from some of my classes. It's obviously Jesus =)
What can I say? Best friend til the end and even after that. There's no explanation needed as to why He's my best friend.

Wow, I just love you all <3

Day 1

Post 15 facts about yourself.
1. I love hoodies
2. I really like buying sneakers. It makes me happy
3. I loooove potatoes.. usually
4. Currently, Big Bang Theory is very addictive
5. I love Kingdom Hearts
6. I love sappy love movies
7. I would very much like to hang out with my family more
8. I just freakishly love God
9. Despite being in University... I don't know what I'm doing with my life
10. I dislike mushrooms, they are ew
11. When I get a dog... the name will be Mr. Hoon if it's a boy... I have yet to think of one for a girl puppsy
12. Driving and me... we have our days where we love each other one moment and..... not so much the next
13. I have a terrible sense of direction... and I'm terrible at describing things
14. I really want to learn to cook
15. I'm a sucker for these stupid 30 day things, and answering questionnaires that take forever

Look Up

I don't know what the future holds,
but I know who holds the future

Everything

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything I need
I love everything about You

NIJ

I know we'll be in a good place, and I know we'll be okay.
You're wonderful =)

Section 9.2

The only the thing that matters is Your love

Ka POW

AHHH WORK HABIT.
I BEG OF YOU
SNAP OUT OF WORKLESS MODE

=(

Sleep don't like me

Waking up every 50 or so mins is so not cool.
Ughhhh... what's wrong with me?
Reading week is where I catch sufficient amounts of sleep in order to bear the next couple of months of school.
Actually. I really need to get on that studying thing, I wasted all of today doing nothing.
My excuse is that I wasn't feeling well so i was given a right (by myself of course) to do nothing.
Hurray.
Not so much. Maybe this loafing in bed had something to do with not being able to sleep now.
GAY.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

I can't get this song out of my head.
I never want to leave those hands.
The only things that keep me still.
I love you, God.

I Live to Worship You

Nothing is impossible for You...
You hold my world in Your hands.

Sleep = { }

I can't sleep.
soooo i'll just write a little blurb.
I was listening to Anthony talk about road directions today for sunday school and there was one thing that really struck out. He brought up how if there are some things in our lives that we believe we should let go, but it feels uncomfortable and slightly awkward to do so, it's probably the right thing to do. It's just that... as I was thinking back on... memories, what he said is true. For the times when I was unsure of what to do in a situation, and i had to decide to keep holding on to that certain thing, or let it go... letting go turned out to be very difficult, very uncomfortable. It's like uncertainty just clouded my mind. In the end, it turned out to be the right decision, the right thing, the right path to take. Taking that path not only led me to something greater, it turned out to be one of the best things that happened to me.
To get to where God wants me to be, I have to be aware of my caution signs, take a good look at what I'm doing, and turn around to find the right path.
I don't know where I'm going. It's scary not knowing which direction you're going in life, where's it's headed and what's really planned for me. Well. David keeps pressing this on me, and I'm really glad he does. Who holds my future? God does. When in doubt, look to Jesus, the answer's right in front of me.
Sometimes, I wonder how i can be such a blind fool.
Soooo... in the mean time, I just have to trust that in due time, God will show me the way. I won't run away... okay, so i'll try really hard not to. Running away is such an easy thing to do but just cause it's easy, doesn't mean it's the right path.

Man. I just love you, Lord.

Sunday school has been great. I love learning things I can apply to my life.
The bottom line?
Intentions don't bring us to our destination

So.... Quiet.... T_T

I've come to the conclusion that I never, ever, want to live alone T_T
It is very unpleasant.
On the other hand, being the nice sister I am, I shoveled the driveway! =D I never want to do that again. Snow is really heavy. Especially when there's so much of it. I was sweating a lot after it, Whew. It was definitely a work out, I will feel the burns tomorrow morning.
So... as much as I should be studying right now, this empty house is making me feel rather uncomfortable and unwilling to work. Actually. I'll just throw on some music and hope that my brother comes home soon.
OKAY, that is all!

One Step at a Time

When I'm asking for what You want from me, I guess I was always expecting something extravagant. I don't know, but I think I wasn't looking in the right places when I asked. I learned that it's a process that happens one step at a time. Things don't just happen right away, they will gradually become more clear to me and it's all in God's timing.... not mine. Thank God for that.
Be patient and wait. You've pushed things into my heart and all I have to do... is listen. That's all. You'll do the rest.
Man, I just love You so much, God.

Hm. So, I realize that... trying to curl my hair when it's short... doesn't turn out too well. It was like waking up to a giant ball of fluff, quite literally. Actually, it was quite funny so I didn't wash it out because of the hilarity.

There's one thing I really miss... and that would be dim sum with the family. I remember I would go after service every Sunday with some of the family and we'd go have the dim sum at Regency Place. I remember getting really sick of going there, but now... I just really miss it. I miss family time actually. I miss spending time with my cousins, hanging out and just chillin. But... some of them are just too cool for me now haha. But, I'm thankful, like REALLY REALLY thankful that them kids are all relatively on the right path. I'm glad I was able to smack some good morals into them as children. I still worry about them though. Actually. I'm really just talking about 2 of my cousins haha.

Surprisingly enough. I've begun to study days before my tests. THIS IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. Like really. This hasn't happened for many years and I feel proud BUT I know I shouldn't get too proud because that would be bad. I hope that this studying pays off because if it doesn't, I know I'll go into my: oh-studying-doesn't-work-so-I-just-shouldn't-study-and-slack mode. SOOOOOO let's all make sure I don't go back into that phase.

Today was a good day and... DY, you're amazing. Thanks for today =)

My Covenant God

You're my encouragement, the one and only who will ever fill the void.

I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you

Put Your Light in my eyes and let me see

Have a Listen

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

The first few lines just sums up a lot of the things that are going through my mind... the anxiety that sometimes stirs up.
Maybe it's that I just don't feel good enough about myself... There's more than just that. More that suffocates me from time to time.
But ahh... yes.
Trust.
Let go.
A repetition of these words have been rolling around.

Here Goes - Bebo Norman
Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows

Oh! And dinner tonight... was a total failure on my part =(
Anyways. Good night all <3

Miss you already

COME BACK!!!
It's only been a day...
And I have never felt less healthy T_T
-cries-
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITHOUT YOU???
DARN YOU FROZEN VEGETABLES >_>

Anyways.
I just had a great time learning a new song on the guitar.
Twas great it was =D
Now back to studying =(
I have never tried so hard to study for something as insignificant as a quiz.
AHHH
Tis difficult to focus. I think there is something terribly wrong with me.
=( I think it's all these years of not focusing on doing hw/studying, thinking I can just wing it.... It's built up so bad that I'm so used to these habits that it's freakishly hard to break away from.
I'M STILL TRYING. AND PRAISE THE LORD FOR KEEPING ME AT IT
Oh how I love you.
BACK TO WORK I GO

Move

Determination is deciding it's worth it to finish what you've started.
Bottom line: Keep doing what you should do because God says you can.
Can I get a thumbs up?

Man... I'm quite loving the KFC here.
I'm just reading through the lesson that I'm suppose to have for the kids today and... to be put in this ministry has been such a blessing for me.
So far, the lessons I'm suppose to cover has in some way been a lesson for me too.
Biblical stories, passages and such are things I would like to know more about. They are things that I also want to learn, and I guess I just missed out a lot of that as a kid.
It's not just KFC I'm enjoying, but going to Sunday School has been something I look forward to... unlike before haha. For the things that I am involved in or been apart of, KFC, the worship team, sunday school, C&C... I've been loving it.
To be honest, it's been a struggle in many aspects, and I won't specify how but God knows what's goin on. In some ways I guess my patience has run thin, and I just really want to be a stronger person and step out of my shell.
I don't just want to believe that God has something for me, I want to know that God does have plans for me, and I don't want other thoughts to sway me from that.
No matter how difficult the road... I want to keep walking.

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

Closer

Everything I do just feels the same
Spending my life out in the desert
Then gone so long feels like forever

I just want to be closer to You
I just want to be closer, I am Yours
You can have all of me anything, everything
I just want to be closer

Absolutely

Only You have all of me
I cannot contain my adoration
I'm in love so desperately

No one is as lovely as You are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus You have me completely
Every breath I breathe
I am absolutely in love

Number 12

And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need

Smtcmm. svmt. Gwaigtdwat? Isoomm. Smtw. Idwath.... ttikich. Aiktywnlalthtm. Walttich... bijrc.. wmoadwth. HmLG. Pdlthtm. Is. G... bwm.
IslyDY. Iihtba, ljstIgiwwy. Ilysm. Rat.

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same

Lalalala

School.... doesn't like me

Or maybe it's the other way around too.
But that is all I have to say.

Just a Pass

THAT'S ALL I NEED A PASS!!!!!
I PROMISE I WILL WORK SOOO SOOO SOOO SOOO HARD IN 217 I PROMISE!!!!!!
T_T
THAT WILL BE MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION.
I have seen and felt the fruits of my sad sad procrastination.
NO MORE.
Now all i have to do is wait for Monday. I can see my hope growing... and I don't like it that it is.
-deep breath-
Through all this I've been growing increasingly frustrated with myself... and with God. I know I shouldn't be, but it's just been hard to skew my emotions differently... especially when I think too much about certain things and breaks me down. It gets out of hand. Praying and just having little moments to really think about it and calming myself down has helped. I can't keep bottling this stress up. It's taking a toll on me.
"What's been done is done, you can't change anything now... there's no point in worrying." I understand. I do. I really do. But even though I know this, and I totally get it... I can't seem to follow through with the not worrying part. Once I start worrying... I just can't get out of that endless loop.
And this is where a phrase hits me over the head:

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:27

I guess things just take a while for it to sink in. Realizing just isn't enough for me. It's got to be more of an understanding. Along with all this, I need to learn to cut back the bad thoughts that I keep having come at me. I have no idea how this is going to work... but i think it's essential to my health haha.
This month has been hectic. I can't wait for school to just end.
I've been thinking recently... I keep asking, and I keep wondering about what my future holds. Where am I going to go after taking business? Where's my place in this world? It's a lost, confusing, treacherous thing to have in the back of my mind all the time. Sooo here's what popped up:

"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him . . ."
Psalm 37:7

I really have to STOP WORRYING and BE PATIENT and know that these answers will come in time. As much as I am anticipating for these answers... it will come.
I guess with all the things that's been going on, God's just been telling me that I need to understand these things through my own experiences. It's not just have other people tell me, and push me... but just coming to terms that there are a lot of things that in order for me to grow, I have to get through these kinds of obstacles. I really want to grow.
I see so many people around me, so strong in God. And I just want to be like them. I want to have that confidence that holds them close to God, to trust God even through the tough times, to know that God has something bigger in store for them.
I really want to rely on other people to help me with that but I think there are things that I really have to get there myself. Through my own will overcoming my fleshly desires.

It was just last night that I was listening to this song and as my math exam was going on it just kept replaying and replaying. It's called: Something to Say - Starfield
I've got something to say
What was black and white is gray
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You
...
And faith might mean there won't be answers
And hope might mean enduring through the night
But help me not forget in darkness
The things that I believed in light
It has been very easy to seek out God but I have to admit that it's been incredibly hard to trust in God to have that faith. I'm getting tired of fighting this by myself. It's getting... too much for me. I'm tired of the long nights struggling with myself and getting no where.

I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new
I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life like only You can do
Cause I don’t want to stay the same

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I’m here
Like I’m searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You
Rediscover You - Starfield

Like fo srs

School has never been more tough.
I'm scared out of my mind I'm not going to pass.
This has got to be the first time where i'm worried about school.
After my exam today, it's out of my control... I have to trust.
Like... fo realz T_T

I don't know what the title should be

I tried to figure it out
Time and time again and time again
I guess there's just some things I'll never understand
'Cause Your ways aren't our ways

I can't think straight.
The things that are going through my mind cause me to see things without good judgment. My thoughts are distorted and I don't feel so good.
I hate feeling like this. I hate that I can't find the right words to say or the right way to act.
It's so tempting to just give up. I want to just give up everything so that I don't have to feel this way.
I'm so distracted by these thoughts.

I don't think there is going to be sleep for me tonight.

I'm leaning on this verse for the rest of the way...
"Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Loaded up

It really doesn't feel like I have enough time to do everything, and I can't seem to understand the homework that I have to do. This is all becoming very overwhelming. I want an outlet where I can just let out all this stress so I can continue with all of this. Argh...

I'm not looking forward to my finals, I'm no where near prepared, and the more I think about it the more I want to shrink away. A friend of mine has pretty much given up on school, and his giving up attitude is quite infectious.... but I can't give up. I don't think I could let that happen. However... i'm very very close to slipping. I don't know what to do, it's so frustrating.

God, give me the strength to work at this. It's not the most important thing in my life... but I really want to get through this. I feel so unmotivated, so lacking in everything I'm doing. I need Your strength. I want You. I need You.

'Cause we can't fool ourselves,
into someone else's heart

Poopsicle

Ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's more to say?

Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

N'Sync

The memories I remember the most vividly are the ones from my childhood. I miss so much of the things that I use to do, I use to have. Oh man... to relive those days for just a while... it would be so awesome. Running around in the snow with my snowsuit, actually enjoying the winter, enjoying the outdoors... how different it was back then. I sometimes wish I never came to know electronics. Flying down the big hill by my house on my bike with my arms high up in the air without a care in the world. Running on the field til I got too tired. Playing soccer and getting winded leading me to vow to never touch a soccer ball ever again (I actually really like soccer). Man, what happened to me?
I miss talking on the phone, flashing each other so we could all have a conversation together... and later getting in trouble for spending too much money on it. It was worth it. Going over to my friend's house to just hang out, bike and get slurpees. I miss sitting around talking about boys and how stupid they were, playing pranks on our friends, causing a ruckus in out neighborhood. I miss the innocence, the moments where it really didn't matter where we were as long as we had fun and no matter what, we were busy doing something. I miss having so many friends that I could do anything with. We never judged each other for acting too immature or too crazy. I miss that the most. Over time it's like a line was drawn for the certain ways I can act, restrictions.
Time passed by too quickly.

Green, Pink, Orange, Magenta, Yellow

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost

School is killing me!!!!!
I'M SO TIRED T_T
When will you stop? =(
I really need to pick it up a notch.
I never really had to study to do okay and pass
BUT NOW IT'S SO DIFFERENT, WHY UNI... WHY???
But on the plus side i finally quit kumon =)
FINALLY.
Last day is next week, it shall be an exciting last day there.
It's been..... a long time since i started complaining about it, and now it is over and done with.
Wow, it sure takes me a ridiculously long time to do things =P

I really want to fix up my schedule and take some other options.. but it doesn't seem like the way i put my schedule earlier allows me to change it.

Well...
This was an extremely pointless blog lol.
BYE!

Webwork... you suck

WAH!!!
So Uni is finally showing it's true colours... or I'm just starting to feel really overwhelmed because I feel like I want to do well. That hasn't happened for a very long time. This motivation to do well in school, and to actually DO my homework that no one is checking. It's a strange thing.
And who else can I thank other than God! I've been praying to feel motivated to not leave things to the last minute, study hard in order to do well. I have no idea how well i will do on my quizzes but whatever it is I feel like I'm doing something right by just doing work and such.
I really hope that I can make it back in time from Hawaii to write my quiz. I don't want to take a 0%... it'll crush me and make me feel really bad. JIM STALLARD!!! PLEASE BE UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!! I'll talk to you again on weds T_T

I think that it's time I quit my job at Kumon. I've been meaning to do that... for oh.. I don't know... 2 years now? haha... The things I get done in life >_> When you go to work with as if it was the biggest burden in your life... I think it's time to move on and leave it behind. So... For those reading, please don't let me change my mind on this subject.

OKAY
BACK TO MATH I GO

Distractions

So camp was SUPER DUBER AMAZINGLY AWESOME. No. Those words can't even describe my time there. It's fascinating the way God works through people's lives. God is just so so so good. I was writing about my trip in my journal and just recalling the things that God did in my life, the changes He made, they all got me excited inside and it was awesome. After coming home from something like that, I didn't think that coming back to Calgary would be the biggest distraction EVER. I honestly didn't think that in just a few days, I was back to where I was before I went to camp. But it really does help, writing about my events at camp and just things like that. It brings me back and it helped renew my spirit.
Man the flesh is so weak sauce! Mine is at least. And lemme tell you that it really sucks. So more bible reading and praying for me.

School is starting and I'm freaking out. AH SCREW YOU SCHOOL. I DON'T WANT TO GO JUST YET. -sigh-

Long time no blog!!!

I am super excited for camp!
I haven't been to a camp since grade 8 for band camp.... I did not personally enjoy it all that much. The most enjoyable camp that I have ever had was in grade 6 for outdoor school. That... was a good time =)
Wow.. isn't is sad how this is my first one? You'd think that after... many many years of attending the church i would have gone to at least one.. but nope... this is my first one. I'm really looking forward to what God has in store for me. I didn't think too much about it until the time to go to camp creeped up on me.

Yay! I'm really pumped for this!!!

And the sun went down

My backyard is actually very pretty. Huh... I just noticed =)

SO I'M FINALLY DONE... DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE T_T
and... yet... i don't feel the least bit free. I feel as though i'm still bound to high school because i still don't know how i did on my tests. SOOOOOOO i'll try not to think about that.
But ya, I really can't think of anything else... so NIGHTS!

AH!!!

GRAD ON SAAAATTTURDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
OH MY GOODNESSSSS!!!!!!
ALREADY?!?!?!???!?!?!?
and it's going to rain and possibly snow.
SO HOPEFULLYYYY WE CAN ALL PRAY IT DOESN'T AND GOD'S GOING TO GIVE ME A SUNNY GRAD DAY =)that would be great =)
Even if it doesn't... I'LL HAVE SNOW AT MY GRAD. Way betta than psh... the sun right????

Yes... yes.. i should calm down.
Anyways.....

OMGOSH GRAD IN 2 DAYS

AHHHHHHH

Now.. i understand why it takes forever for us to get our timetables. I UNDERSTAND THE PAIN NOW. I UNDERSTAND.

=(
but i'm finally done!
..................
now to wait for May25th, 2:00 (MT)!!!!!!!

Long Weekend

It's long weekend and I'm suppose to be feeling happy... BUT I'm not. I have too much to do and too much to think about even though I'm not suppose to. Scholarship essays =( Study for calculus and physics =( Building schedule for Uni (I know it's suppose to be exciting and all but I'm really not in the mood to feel it so...) =(

Things to look forward to this weekend?
IB PICNIC PARTY =D
That deserves a smile.
Kinda.

Anywhooooooo...
Nights!

Boom

Dear Today,
My head exploded.
Thanks Calculus. Love you too.

White Walls

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now

Listening to this song makes me so happy. From the inside out, I feel joy just spewing out of my guts. IT'S LIKE OOZING OUT OF MY SKIN. Sounds prreeeee gross but i have to admit, i have not been this hyped up for a long time. Who knew that replaying this song over and over again would do this. Religion. My faith is not tied down by that word. It's not something like that... nope. It's definitely more like falling in love. Diving deeper into the the meaning of my walk with God, it never started with something like religion, I don't think I've ever seen it like that. More like the way He loved me, helped me up, and saved me WITH His love.

I honestly cannot calm down right now. I don't know why, it was very sudden. ANYWAYS!!!
Good night all =)
I hope hope hope hope you all have a wonderful night filled with sweet sweet dreams!!!

It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me


P.S. I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
I really really liked this line from the song =D

=)

"She tells me she wants to be a raindrop, she doesn't mind falling... as long as she's not alone... and raindrops... are never alone."
-When Five Fell

That has got to be the best that WongFu has come out with so far. I loved At Musing's End, BUT WHEN FIVE FELL IS JUST MIND BLASTING. I don't even know how many times i've rewatched this and not doing homework. AMAZING!!!!!!
It gives me such a .... captivated feeling, and i'm not sure how i can describe it. Every shot, every word, had so much depth and meaning to it. To be honest, i didn't really get it at first. But after rewatching it and realizing that there was more than meets the eye in the video, it got better. Everytime i watched it, it got even better. YOU MUST ALL WATCH!!!!!

Check It

Lyrics:
Verse 1
Now Hollywood wants to make you think they know what love is. But I'm a tell you what true love is. Love is not what you see in the movies. Its not the ecstasy, its not what you see in that scene, you know what I mean? I'm telling you right now, true love is sacrifice. Love is thinking about others before you think about yourself, love is selfless not selfish. Love is God and God is love. Love is when you lay down your life for another, whether for your brother, your mother, your father or your sister, its even laying down your life for your enemies, that's unthinkable, but think about that. Love is true. Think.

Chorus:

I'll put you in front of me
So everybody can see
My love, this is my love

I know that I'll be alright
As long as you are my guide
My love, this is my love

Verse 2
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, it always perseveres.
Love never fails. Love is everlasting, its eternal, it goes on and on, it goes beyond time, love is the only thing that will last when you die, but ask the question why? Do you have love?

Chorus

Verse 3
There is no greater love than this than he who lays down his life for his friends. Now are you willing to lay down your life for your friends? You're probably willing to lay down your life for your mother, your father, or your best friends, but are you willing to lay down your life for even those that hate you? I'm going to tell you who did that, the definition of love is Jesus Christ. He is love. The nails in his hands, the thorns in his brow, hanging on a cross for your sin my sins, that is LOVE he died for you and me while we still hated him, that is love. God is true love, and if you don't know this love, now is the time to know, perfect love.

Chorus

You'll Come

As surely as the sun will rise
You'll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

=D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D =D

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

When We Say

"Love and relationships are never like the movies no matter how much we want them to be. But when something beautiful ends, for whatever reason, it's most important not to be disappointed that it's over, but glad that it happened at all."

I have been waiting for AJ Rafael's When We Say music video since... since.. well since Wong Fu showed the trailer. Freaken cute. The song is so amazing, but I really liked the original version where he sings it live. Man, that guy has a voice that could blow you away.

Well, that's all I really wanted to put up haha.

this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
but this ain't a movie
i know you cant come with me
you got your life

Never Let Me Go

Love who you love
With all that you have
And don't waste the time
That flies so fast

Currently, I feel as though someone has rudely stepped on my stomach a few hundred times but has not been satisfied enough to stop. Unfortunately, this is not because of the 30 hour famine but from very unpleasant things that has made it's way into my life. It's making me feel like my heart is going to burst and my insides feel as though it's sunk so far down that it cannot possibly make it's way back into it's original positions.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

HOWEVER, at least I still have a to do list with someone very special!!! And I shall now list them as follows:
1. Live close/next door
2. Fly a kite
3. MOVIES!!!!!!
4. S.N.O.W.
5. SUMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER CAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(with more to come =D )

Hold on as tight as they'll let you

It's Your Love

Beyond the tomb to holy skies
He rose in victory
And bridged for us the great divide
His life is our liberty

And all the praise and glory to God
We sing Hallelujah sing Hallelujah
For the King has carried the cross
He is risen from the grave

Do you ever have those moments where a person can say all the words that you never knew you needed to hear more than ever? All the feelings that were trapped inside, and all the words that I kept locked away... I had no idea the damage it was doing to me. Lately I've been putting myself down with some pretty harsh words. And who knew that the words that I say to myself would hurt so much, and up 'til now, I believed every single one of those words. From all the things that have been happening I kept thinking that I deserved all the bad things that were happening to me, and that there was no way out of it. I didn't think that being happy was a choice anymore and I blamed myself for all the things that went wrong. I knew it was wrong to think that, but I couldn't bring myself to wipe away all the negativity.

It's not like God didn't try to show me that things aren't meant to be like that but today, words were spoken that touched my heart and with this realization it really hit home. It was everything that was bringing me down, and I can finally feel like breathing again. And... that feels really good.

It's Your Love
That has saved me.

THE DATE IS SO WRONG lol, it's April 9th!!!

POST 200

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

If God sent angels onto this Earth, it must be the people around me. Every single one of them. Today was a really good day. I don't think that I could pick out one thing that was not good. I really needed today.. just to have God let me know that I can be happy. Even after everything, I can still be happy. Thinking about that makes me feel a bit more relieved. This past month everything has been going downhill. Relationships, friends, school, family. Everything. Not a hair has slipped by that wasn't bad. Somehow... everything that happened today, the laughter, the cold, the people, pictures, it just soothed me a bit. Washed my worries away.. even if it was just briefly. That was enough to recharge my nasty old batteries. Thank God.

By today I mean yesterday as I am writing this at 2:24 in the morning. This blog post started yesterday, I promise haha.

Well... it's getting late, but I don't feel like sleeping yet, but..... Good night!

I Think I'm Going Crazy

I. Seriously. Can't. Drive.

I find that for some reason. The more I drive, the more I fear for the next time I drive. Today was a terrific example of as to why the world would be a much more peaceful place without me driving. I should just hire a personal chauffeur. Like seriously. Right now, as I sit here, I honestly think that I will receive a ticket in the mail. And like always, I can't stop thinking about it. I thought that driving yesterday was actually pretty good, and I felt better about everything. AND THEN I JUST HAD TO GET LOST AND FEEL SO FLUSTERED TO THE POINT WHERE I NO LONGER KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING ON THE ROAD. AND WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MR. POLICEMAN WHY???????????? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HONK AT ME??? I TRIED TO GIVE YOU ENOUGH ROOM, REALLY, AND HONESTLY, I DID!!!!!!!!! T_T

and....
I still haven't gone up to Nosehill by myself yet. I don't think that's going to happen anymore.

Bits and Pieces

Yeah, gotta start
Looking at the hand of the time we've been given here
This is all we got and we gotta start thinkin' it
Every second counts on a clock that's tickin'
Gotta live like we're dying
We only got 86 400 seconds in a day
To turn it all around or throw it all away
We gotta tell 'em that we love 'em while we got the chance to say,
Gotta live like we're dying

To think that it's too late to say the things that you want to say from the bottom of your heart is really just an excuse. I can't say that now, because I still have the chance to tell the people I love how I do love them, just how much I care about them and just how much they mean to me. On the contrary, right now my heart is bending backwards and forwards with a lot of movement, it's making me sick. I can't help but regret all the time I've kept my mouth shut and feeling all the wrong emotions. In that way... I can't stop blaming myself for a lot of the things that have happened lately. I really do wonder why everything bad has to happen at the exact same time. One would think that these events are just for a little while, but... no. It's not like that. Actually it's more like, more and more issues happened one after the other and began to pile up unresolved. Everything happening is like a slap in the face, a shove into the sideline and a round-house kick to top it off. Kind of like the cherry on top of the ice cream... except it's not so sweet. It's a bitter cherry.

To honestly say, i haven't been thinking in the right mind and I'm finding my way back onto the path to be so hard. However, I can't deny the fact that throughout all these problems I'm having, God has been there 101% of the time. He's probably given more than I could give my life to thank him. I'm really grateful God has given me the time, and the reminders that I've been missing. As I write this, things become more and more clear that I have to take the chances he's giving me to do something about it, and to use it in the way I want to make Him proud. These past months... these past years... I've been nothing but a disappointment.

I pray for healing and for guidance, not just for me, but for anyone who needs it too.


Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save
Forever, author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

1 + 1 = Window

4 out of 5 people agreed that 1 person out of the 5 will always disagree with the other 4.
(Haha) I really enjoyed that.

ANYWAYSSSSSSS....
So calculus has officially caused my brain explode a series of times HOWEVER... these explosions were done in a very satisfied way as... I enjoyed thinking how that problem actually worked.
Another thing is... WHY ON EARTH HAVE I NEVER LEARNED SIMILAR TRIANGLES?? This absurdity has caused me much frustration.
I need to do well in calculus T_T

I'm beginning to really like physics for some reason. The math and theory... okay it doesn't always make sense to me but i really like the math behind it... or physicscal mathism behind it o_O ALSO, I have no idea what's going on in Chemistry... this may be due to the fact that I have not done hw for that class in a long time... wow.... go figure.

WELLL. It's that time again... to do hw -cough-sudoku/brainage-cough-
Good night world.

Love Ever After

No, there's not life after you
Of course that "you" would be You.

"Love ever after"... I really like that for some reason. It's almost like.. "happily ever after" but there are no.. happily ever afters. However, love ever after, is possible. I like that.

Beauty and the Beast

Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme

Beauty and the Beast

That was a beautiful movie. I always find that I am constantly reminding myself that the outside is just a shell. It's the inside that really matters. It is something that is very hard to achieve. Everyone is always judging, and critically analyzing each other. Finding myself that way is very disappointing to say the least. I don't want to shallowly look at people, i really want to see something deeper in everyone because those are the things that really matter.
So maybe when you do find that Beast, he doesn't always turn into a handsome prince, but if you do find him, when a person looks past a shell they see something very beautiful. Even as I say this, I do doubt myself if I can do that, I'll be honest. Whatever is to be set in my future, it's in God's hands. And i'll leave those things to Him.

This reminds me of a rock I got in elementary school that I keep by my bed. It's my little smack in the face. A guest brought in this big ugly white rock to our classroom, and he asked for someone to come and break it open. Obviously, breaking something, WITH PERMISSION, is something very rare, and so I put up my hand. I don't think it was a coincidence that I got chosen to do that... now that I think about it. When I broke it open, inside was a beautiful mineral... it was somewhat like clear blue crystals. Luckily for me, I got to keep it. This is just one of God's little touches to tell me something and I'm grateful.

I haven't been able to sleep well lately. I keep getting bad dreams. That just goes to show that I still have many unsolved problems. I wonder when this will end. LaLaLa?

Pray, Heaven's Waiting Now

And Jesus is just a breath away
Pray

I want to pray for so many people, and for so many things.
I pray for the people who are going through hardships in their lives... when they've met a wall so high that they no longer know how to get around or over it. I pray for God's grace to fall on them, give them a sense of family, hold them in Your arms and guide them in the direction You want them to walk. Lord God, my heart breaks for her.

I pray for the sick and the hurt. May it be physically or emotionally, I pray for healing because God, You're the only one who can do it.

I pray for guidance and pointers. I didn't realize how much I was relying completely on myself to get through everything... when... You were the one who was there pushing me along and picking me up when I fell. For that, I feel ashamed and sincerely sorry for being selfish and being so self centered. I can't find the answers to anything, and I feel like there is no longer a road I can see to take.

Last part of English... TODAY!! I feel very nervous... I hope and pray I'll do well.
Praise the Lord.

Sleepless nights

I am extremely tired. Actually, I've been tired since I got up. And here I am... not willing to sleep, not willing to do anything. There are too many things on my mind. Now now, don't get me wrong. I really like sleeping... but right now... I just don't want to sleep. I feel like there are too many things that need to be done, but I just don't want to do any of it. Why? Great question, I wish I knew the answer. You know what? I wish i knew the the answers to my physics exam, and my social exam and my english exam. How wonderful that would be.

I went to tutorials this morning for social and i realized that my paper that I wrote, was a big pile of poo. Just this one ginormous, big, nasty pile of poo. And as of right now... just thinking about it makes me die a little inside. I died a little writing it, now I just died more thinking about it. The sad thing is, the only possible cure of not thinking about it is playing video games. RIGHT SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF EXAMS.

Another thing. I should not be allowed to drive. Everytime I drive something goes wrong. Why me? Come on, I really like driving, so why??? GAH.

Maybe I should sleep... my head hurts... ahh..... I don't want to think anymore.. just let everything shut down.. AHAEROVU OATVK 09T4IKOAG KOV o;

Night.

From One World to Another

My friends always bring up such interesting topics. I have a friend who didn't like to read books because when they finished the book, it felt like they were leaving that world. I never thought about books... or even movies in that way. Now that I think about it, when I'm reading a book, I am immersed into that world. With Harry Potter, it was amazing to read about sorcery or like... Hogwarts... and being in a magical world. Even with the book Night. That world... was indeed a very dark one... but it gave me insight. Then, I came across another very interesting thing while on Soompi in the current events section. The perfection of Avatar has caused people depression in the way that they could never live in that kind of a beautiful world. I read an article on that, and how people ended up contemplating suicide because they would wake up to the dull Earth.

I was going to write more.. but my brain has died, and I can't think. Good night.

If walls could talk

IF PETER CHAO CAN JUMP OFF A DRESSER, SO CAN I. Unfortunately, I do not have a dresser...

Although I am currently stressing over my social paper tomorrow... and also stressing over my English paper that I wrote today.. I AM STILL SOMEHOW NOT GETTING TO WORK. WHY?? Arrggh... I shake my mighty fist at the lovely dovey romance dramas that I keep watching.. and rewatching... and I just can't seem to stop. -Sigh-

I had an intense discussion with Tammy about having a real man as a boyfriend. So very hard to find these days. (haha) jk, but we did bring it up. I am too unsatisfied with too many things. AND SO... i should just be satisfied with everything. A solution to everything.

I am contemplating whether or not to study social or not. Even though the answer is quite obvious, I can't seem to push myself anymore then this. AHHHHHHHHHHH. KAy... if i don't study.. i'm just gonna go and punch myself in the face. That will not only hurt my face, but it will also cause slight damage to my hand as well. OKAY TIME TO FOCUS. NO MORE BLOGGING.

He's Dedicated to Roses

<3<3<3<3<3<3
What a wonderful manga that stole all my time as I was suppose to do homework. I ended up staying up til 2 am in the morning... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Kay... now i shall re-read that manga. It made my heart skip a beat. Always a good thing =)

Well... Physics homework here I come. Lalala, and I am now going to stay up late once again.

WHY IS IT 2010???

So... We were all gathered together at my friend's house for a new years eve celebration and for the countdown... and... there was a specific conversation that was brought up which made me terribly sad and depressed. 2009, 2008, 2007.. (so on and so on) WILL NEVER EVER COME BACK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....

The truth, and the realization hurts me. I have yet to do so many things, and I have not done anything... really. (Insert a very sad face)

And you know what else? 2010 means that I am getting closer to my birthday. And my birthday means I will turn 18. I DON'T WANT TO BE LEGAL AND HAVE PEOPLE BE ABLE TO SUE ME AND ARREST ME. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... that sucks. Well... as much as I am being paranoid about 2010, I had a really excellent new years day with my buddies. Oh they make me happy. And school in 2 days. I really didn't want to mention that, but by doing that I realize that I still have homework to do, and much studying to do. Hurray. And good job Dana for procrastinating this long. You really fail.

ZOMBIFIED

Yes, it is true.
I AM NOW ZOMBIFIED.
=(
That means.... I got my H1N1 shot. As much as i dislike stuff being poked into my arm... i try not to think about the things that are actually going into my body through it. THAT has already caused me enough troubles.
This includes: Sharing drinks and sharing ear buds
I just think too closely about these two things and I need not to describe them.
AND LUCKY ME. ARGH!!! I now owe the library approximately $0.40 =( and i can't renew the book because of the holds that it has. I WAITED FOR THIS BOOK.. and I still haven't read it. -sigh- Oh well, i'll just borrow it from a friend.

I have fallen in love with the drama The Most Beautiful Seventh Day. Yup, it is super predictable, and it's not really that sad... but i still cried =P I find how everything has it's own connections to another is just... magical, and I love it. I am a mad, die hard fan of romantic comedies =D
I'm such a loser, BUT this is something I am totally not afraid to admit.

PEACE OUT PEOPLE, it's CHRISTMAS EVE =)

Two is Better Than One

That song is sooooo amazing =)
It makes me so happy inside, and it's just currently stuck in my head.. and it won't get out... so that causes a few problems. Oh Well.
i'm so tired.... and i'm going to Zoo Lights tomorrow with... Girl from LA, brother and brother's girlfriend. Lalalala, that's going to be weird. I never go anywhere with my brother. Unless he is complaining to me while he is driving me home. That is a different story though. LALALALALALALALA

meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
and so it goes on and on and on.

SOCIAL!!! YOU STRESS ME OUT, AS DO YOU PHYSICS, AS DO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh and how could i forget english. -shakes head-

this blog has been very very very random. LALALALALA
AND MICHAEL HURRY UP AND REPLY TO MY TEXT
AHHHHH!!!!

LOL Smiley Face

What a terrible song that is, haha. Catchy title though!
So as of the moment, the Student Center on the University of Calgary website is not working. That means I can't submit my scholarship application. And this causes me a lot of stress which leads me to blog about it. As I am blogging, I have a few rather important things to do, however, I am not doing it. That means, tonight, I'll be sleeping late... just like last night. NOT GOOD.

I'm not sure if i should apply to the University of British Columbia or not. I mean even if I get accepted... I probably don't want to go, then it would be a waste of money. I really hope that I get into Business.. because I really don't know what I would do other than that. ARGH, thinking for my future is extremely hard.

I am sooooo tiredd!!!! And I've been looking for a new blog layout or make my own when I have time to figure out all this html stuff. -sigh- AHHH SO TIRED.

Dana + lack of sleep = (a very angry Dana)^2 = super saiyan x full moon = giant monkey

Pause, Play, Stop

The world would be a rather boring place if all of time stopped. Even for a moment, I don't think I could stand that much stillness. But... If i really think about it. It might be something that was worth thinking about for the very least. The moment that time stopped, a person could carefully examine all that is around them and just take a brief moment to really look around. Look at a stranger's face and try to understand the complex story behind that frozen face. I wonder. I always wonder what kind of a story that a person holds.
In English we've been reading into the Holocaust a lot. Actually... reading it made me question how those events really happened. I really don't understand how it was possible.. for something like that to happen. "And the world just stood idly by and watched". The pain, the suffering... no one... that's not right, no thing should ever go through such humiliation, such... emotional pain. Really. Where was God in all of that? I don't think I have the right to question. While reading the book "Night" by Elie Wiesel.... wow what a guy. His own perspective of life is just inspiring. And... reading the interview with Oprah (presented in class), as a man coming out of that hell... there was no hate in him towards the people that tortured him, that brought on that hell, he took on an entirely different view on life that I don't think I could ever understand... but just trying to understand, there is some kind of understanding... if that made any sense. Trying to explain my thoughts through words if very hard. Maybe it's because these feelings I have don't actually make that much sense, even to me, but n it's own way it makes sense... but only to me. WOW. That made no sense.

There's a lot to understand in this world. My problems that I face... they do feel so insignificant to another person's issue. But honestly. What is there to compare? Why is it that one has to always compare one's situation to see which one is worse? Does it make it that much better? "Questions bring people together. Answers tear people apart" A quote I got from a reading that Elie Wiesel said himself. It makes a lot of sense to a lot of worldly issues, but of course (haha) one could argue.

I just have too many complex feelings. I don't want to feel them actually. I don't enjoy the extra stress it brings onto my life. However, I don't feel like I really need to dispose of those feelings.
What stupid feelings I have. I need to stop thinking altogether. My thoughts don't even make sense anymore.

Pepsi

You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go...

I don't think I could ever stand being alone. Okay, maybe from time to time when I just need some time for myself.. but other than that, I love to be surrounded by people. Loneliness... to me, it's the worst feeling in the world. To have people who won't abandon you, to have people recognize you, to have people welcome you with open arms... it helps people walk a little further no matter how bad things get. There were times in my life, when I felt like I had no friends, no one to trust and I could only depend on myself. That was difficult. But then a friend came along and reached out His hands to me. I don't ever want to let go of those hands. For as long as I live, Those hands will touch my heart and lift me up. God, don't ever let me go, not even for a moment. Know that... no matter how far I stray, I will always come back to you, so don't let me stray, keep me on the path to Your glory.
Don't let me go.

NOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE

My house... is always so noisy. It's really very hard to find peace and quiet in any part of the house in any time of day. The only time of day that it's ACTUALLY quiet is.... at night when everyone is asleep. Wait no. That's not entirely true. The basement.... When i'm trying to finish up homework, my grandmother would come out of her room every 30 mins or so, and go to the washroom, or come and scold me to go to sleep especially if it's an urgent assignment due to procrastination. I really just want some kind of quietness... that would be nice. BUT THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE IN MY CURRENT SITUATION.

Physics.... hates me. BUT I STILL DON'T HATE YOU !!!!!! OKAY????? SO PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE. JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE AND WATCH WE WILL WORK THINGS OUT!!!!!!!!! DON'T DO THIS TO MEEEE!!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS I'M DOING THAT MAKES YOU MAD AT ME, SO SO, TELL ME AND I'LL BE BETTER, I PROMISE!!!
(I am that desperate)

Siblinggggg

I don't know what I would do without my brother. He is possibly the only person I have yet to know... to make me laugh when I feel my worst. No matter what he does to make me really mad, or what he does to hurt me, or what he does to annoy me, I still love this guy. I don't know how he does it, but I always feel better after talking to him. He gives... different perspectives, never the cliche, and.... he's my brother, he's a part of me in the way that we are connected by blood. It makes me happy that there is someone like that for me.

There are honestly a lot of things that I need to get done, and I really haven't done anything. I'm suppose to write a short story by Nov.1, soooo.. I don't know how i'm going to get that done for the scholarship. ARGH!! I really like writing short stories. But... I'm no good at them. Mmm.. My eyes are itching for sleep, so night all =)

Green, Yellow, Red

Keep tryna turn back the page, but it still feels like...
Romeo & Juliet.
I wanna love you but I
just cant seem to do it yet.

I never know whether i should stop or not when the lights are turning from green to yellow, and eventually red. AH, stressful. What if life just had no stress in it? That... would also be stressful. Because then I wouldn't have anything to do. And life would be boring.
I'm really excited to start this mentorship program. At first i was a bit unsure whether or not I would want to waste my fridays doing this... I eventually came to the conclusion... after thinking it over and over again, that I would do this. I'm not sure how this is going to go, but oh welps. We'll see =)
Man, I am obsessed with shoujo mangas T_T They are just so cute! Makes me wish that I had a love like this.
Today was possibly the easiest most... relaxing working saturday that I've had in a while. When the studio gets a bit busier, i don't get as restless.
I'm so scared about what I'm headed into. University seems so scary, so far away... yet so close. I'm not really sure what to go into, and everything seems like a mess of things at the moment.
I was out with dinner with the fam, and I was talking to my cousin and we got into a discussion of religion. There are so many things in this world. There is one Bible, and there are billions of people, each one with a different perspective. Everyone has a different interpretation of the Bible, a different set of morals and values. It's a confusing thing, and there are so many things that I don't understand, and I question a lot about the things that I might read about and I can't seem to just put one finger on one thing. I know that God is real, I know that much. But it seems everything else is muddled and very hard to understand. I'm trying to grasp something that turns into a million other things.


AHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH SCHOLARSHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENGLISH

I've decided that... I don't hate English. In fact, I love the language. I love writing, and it's a great thing to be able to write even though I have absolutely no talent in that area. It shows... through my marks. I just finished writing my take home essay that my teacher assigned about a week or two ago. I was suppose to get it done last night, but instead... I decided that sleep was more important. I ended up regretting that big time when morning came and I dreamed that my essay was written up. Luckily, my teacher is extremely lenient and nice, and she told us that the deadline was tonight at midnight AND I PRAY THAT I WROTE DOWN THE RIGHT EMAIL. I missed my friend's birthday and church to do this. AND I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WRITING THIS. So hopefully I'll get a decent mark. But... It's better if I don't have my hopes up because it never ends well. Surprisingly, I'm doing better in both of my writing classes than I am in Physics 20. I feel really sad when I think about that. But in a way I'm glad.
I don't enjoy driving anymore. People are crazy on the roads sometimes. I almost got into an accident today, and thank the Lord, that no one was hurt. I don't mind so much that something will happen to my license and demerit points or anything, it's just that my 2 good friends were in the car and I would regret for the rest of my life if anything happened to them, and I was driving. Also, I would hate for the insurance of my parents to go up because of me, AND SO... driving is not so fun anymore. My conclusion? I don't like driving, it adds too much stress to my life.
I was talking to a friend(?) of mine (I put a question mark because we have a hate/like relationship -laughs-) and he was telling me his dream was to do nothing for the rest of his life and live a carefree life but still have the income coming to him. After that, he told me that he had no ambition in his life. Then I thought about that and I thought that I also had no ambition in my life. I don't know what I want in life and I can't decide on a career choice or what I want to go into for university. I might not have enough of an average to get into business, and then I'm screwed. Why business? I have no idea. I don't even know what there is that I could go into and here I am, deciding that it would be what I'm going to go into. This all sucks very much.
I have motivated myself, and I am now going to do my homework accordingly, no more procrastination.

Seaweed

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

I don't think I've felt this insecure in a while. It's been a while. This feeling feels like an old friend that I really don't want to have around. But... It's coming back. I've always yearned for some sort of stability in my life, or just to feel safe.. to feel secure. I found in Jesus Christ a long time ago. After my faith consistently wavered, I find myself in the place I began. That was not what I wanted nor was it intended. I told myself over and over again that I never want to go back to who I was, so why am I here right back to the place I hated the most. My concentration on everything that's important is no longer on a focus. I feel like there is something holding me back, that's wrapped around me uncomfortably and I can't seem to break free from it. I don't know what I want in life and university is just around the corner. I don't want to waste a year of my life because life is too short for time to be wasted. When I reach out to the world, and I could be doing that for years. Eventually my arm gets tired because it feels like nothing is reaching back to take hold of my hand. I want to run. Far away. From everything. But.. I can't, I feel like I'm held back by this invisible chain and.... it's the farthest I can go.
There was once a girl that loses her memory every 13 hours, and her life of the previous day is held in her little diary telling her who she is, and how this life of her's came to be. After the 13 hours, an hour of her day disappears in the following hour. A memory defect that happened because of an accident 4 years ago. She asked a boy that she met at an abandoned train station a math question that went a little like this: A stake is driven in a field, and a sheep is tied to it. The sheep keeps munching the grass. What is the area of the resulting circle?. The boy replied: The square of the length of the string is pi, right? Instead of answering the question she says: It seems the sheep even eats the roots of the grass. The grass can’t grow back, and the plain turns into a desert. When I heard this question, I saw an image of that tied sheep slowly starving to death. That was the way her life was described, something bound by a chain and the farthest her hands can reach is 13 hours. Slowly, very slowly, her existence meant little to nothing. However, losing her memory was not her biggest fear. What she was truly afraid of was disappearing from the memories of everyone else.

What a day

Here is possibly the only good part of my day haha.
Ðana says:
what up what up
my name is future ♡ says:
ceiling
Ðana says:
excellent
i'm glad it's still up
my name is future ♡ says:
ya i know today was so windy
Ðana says:
LOL

YOU MAY NOT HAVE FOUND IT FUNNY... but i most certainly did =D
So.... i had a very sad day, failed my drivers =( and i got mouthed and sworn at but a relatively old lady for driving a bit below speed limit. Such angry people. She even took the effort to jerk her car to a stop next to mine and do that. WHY SO ANGRY????? After that I got so sad that I made my mom drive the rest of the way home. Now... I have to redo it. And this time... I'M READY OKAY??? I'M READY. I PAID FOR IT THIS TIME SOOOO... I'MA TAKE IT LIKE LIKE A SPANISH BULL AND I'MA HAVE MY RED CLOTH AND THEN I'LL TAKE IT ON.
And.. that is all for today T_T

Rent-a-Friend

I was reading an article on this Japanese business that was booming called Rent-a-friend. I personally thought it was very interesting to market something like that. So it basically gives people someone to fake as their lover, cousin, uncle, family member, best friend... friend. Something that stood out to me while reading the article was that people would pay to have someone at their wedding to be their pretend father/uncle for them to walk down the bride down an aisle because they didn't have anyone like that in the R.L. I thought that was very cute... yet sad. But aside from that, it was funny thing to read about. I read about a lot of interesting current events, such as a man who fell in love with a 2-D character from Da Capo and he like deemed her as his girlfriend saying he has real feelings for her. The man carries a pillow of her around with her... . There was this really touching article that I read which was soooo adorable. This man and his wife lived in a rural area (China) and they lived in a cave on top of a really steep hill and because the man's wife had a hard time getting down the hill, he hand carved her 6000+ steps down the hill just for her convenience. A LADDER OF LOVE. I was so moved. And then there are the simple things that people do that are actually very romantic. I read this article about a man who would go out and buy his wife of 60 years, a fresh rose to put by her beside every day and gives her a kiss every morning and at every night before she sleep. How can one not be moved by SUCH GREAT FORCES OF LOVE.

Come on Naruto, HURRY UP AND UPDATE TO YOUR NEWEST CHAPTER ALREADY.!!

Below is a picture of the man and his girlfriend. Oh and he's only 37.