One Step at a Time

When I'm asking for what You want from me, I guess I was always expecting something extravagant. I don't know, but I think I wasn't looking in the right places when I asked. I learned that it's a process that happens one step at a time. Things don't just happen right away, they will gradually become more clear to me and it's all in God's timing.... not mine. Thank God for that.
Be patient and wait. You've pushed things into my heart and all I have to do... is listen. That's all. You'll do the rest.
Man, I just love You so much, God.

Hm. So, I realize that... trying to curl my hair when it's short... doesn't turn out too well. It was like waking up to a giant ball of fluff, quite literally. Actually, it was quite funny so I didn't wash it out because of the hilarity.

There's one thing I really miss... and that would be dim sum with the family. I remember I would go after service every Sunday with some of the family and we'd go have the dim sum at Regency Place. I remember getting really sick of going there, but now... I just really miss it. I miss family time actually. I miss spending time with my cousins, hanging out and just chillin. But... some of them are just too cool for me now haha. But, I'm thankful, like REALLY REALLY thankful that them kids are all relatively on the right path. I'm glad I was able to smack some good morals into them as children. I still worry about them though. Actually. I'm really just talking about 2 of my cousins haha.

Surprisingly enough. I've begun to study days before my tests. THIS IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. Like really. This hasn't happened for many years and I feel proud BUT I know I shouldn't get too proud because that would be bad. I hope that this studying pays off because if it doesn't, I know I'll go into my: oh-studying-doesn't-work-so-I-just-shouldn't-study-and-slack mode. SOOOOOO let's all make sure I don't go back into that phase.

Today was a good day and... DY, you're amazing. Thanks for today =)

My Covenant God

You're my encouragement, the one and only who will ever fill the void.

I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change
Empty me
Of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition
And the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me
So I can be
Filled with you

Put Your Light in my eyes and let me see

Have a Listen

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

The first few lines just sums up a lot of the things that are going through my mind... the anxiety that sometimes stirs up.
Maybe it's that I just don't feel good enough about myself... There's more than just that. More that suffocates me from time to time.
But ahh... yes.
Trust.
Let go.
A repetition of these words have been rolling around.

Here Goes - Bebo Norman
Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything

Take a breath, take a step
What comes next
God only knows

Oh! And dinner tonight... was a total failure on my part =(
Anyways. Good night all <3

Miss you already

COME BACK!!!
It's only been a day...
And I have never felt less healthy T_T
-cries-
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITHOUT YOU???
DARN YOU FROZEN VEGETABLES >_>

Anyways.
I just had a great time learning a new song on the guitar.
Twas great it was =D
Now back to studying =(
I have never tried so hard to study for something as insignificant as a quiz.
AHHH
Tis difficult to focus. I think there is something terribly wrong with me.
=( I think it's all these years of not focusing on doing hw/studying, thinking I can just wing it.... It's built up so bad that I'm so used to these habits that it's freakishly hard to break away from.
I'M STILL TRYING. AND PRAISE THE LORD FOR KEEPING ME AT IT
Oh how I love you.
BACK TO WORK I GO

Move

Determination is deciding it's worth it to finish what you've started.
Bottom line: Keep doing what you should do because God says you can.
Can I get a thumbs up?

Man... I'm quite loving the KFC here.
I'm just reading through the lesson that I'm suppose to have for the kids today and... to be put in this ministry has been such a blessing for me.
So far, the lessons I'm suppose to cover has in some way been a lesson for me too.
Biblical stories, passages and such are things I would like to know more about. They are things that I also want to learn, and I guess I just missed out a lot of that as a kid.
It's not just KFC I'm enjoying, but going to Sunday School has been something I look forward to... unlike before haha. For the things that I am involved in or been apart of, KFC, the worship team, sunday school, C&C... I've been loving it.
To be honest, it's been a struggle in many aspects, and I won't specify how but God knows what's goin on. In some ways I guess my patience has run thin, and I just really want to be a stronger person and step out of my shell.
I don't just want to believe that God has something for me, I want to know that God does have plans for me, and I don't want other thoughts to sway me from that.
No matter how difficult the road... I want to keep walking.

I want to hold the hand that holds the world

Closer

Everything I do just feels the same
Spending my life out in the desert
Then gone so long feels like forever

I just want to be closer to You
I just want to be closer, I am Yours
You can have all of me anything, everything
I just want to be closer

Absolutely

Only You have all of me
I cannot contain my adoration
I'm in love so desperately

No one is as lovely as You are
There is no one else who has my heart

Jesus You have me completely
Every breath I breathe
I am absolutely in love

Number 12

And I love You Lord
You rescued me
You are all that I want
You’re all that I need

Smtcmm. svmt. Gwaigtdwat? Isoomm. Smtw. Idwath.... ttikich. Aiktywnlalthtm. Walttich... bijrc.. wmoadwth. HmLG. Pdlthtm. Is. G... bwm.
IslyDY. Iihtba, ljstIgiwwy. Ilysm. Rat.

You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same

Lalalala

School.... doesn't like me

Or maybe it's the other way around too.
But that is all I have to say.

Just a Pass

THAT'S ALL I NEED A PASS!!!!!
I PROMISE I WILL WORK SOOO SOOO SOOO SOOO HARD IN 217 I PROMISE!!!!!!
T_T
THAT WILL BE MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION.
I have seen and felt the fruits of my sad sad procrastination.
NO MORE.
Now all i have to do is wait for Monday. I can see my hope growing... and I don't like it that it is.
-deep breath-
Through all this I've been growing increasingly frustrated with myself... and with God. I know I shouldn't be, but it's just been hard to skew my emotions differently... especially when I think too much about certain things and breaks me down. It gets out of hand. Praying and just having little moments to really think about it and calming myself down has helped. I can't keep bottling this stress up. It's taking a toll on me.
"What's been done is done, you can't change anything now... there's no point in worrying." I understand. I do. I really do. But even though I know this, and I totally get it... I can't seem to follow through with the not worrying part. Once I start worrying... I just can't get out of that endless loop.
And this is where a phrase hits me over the head:

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:27

I guess things just take a while for it to sink in. Realizing just isn't enough for me. It's got to be more of an understanding. Along with all this, I need to learn to cut back the bad thoughts that I keep having come at me. I have no idea how this is going to work... but i think it's essential to my health haha.
This month has been hectic. I can't wait for school to just end.
I've been thinking recently... I keep asking, and I keep wondering about what my future holds. Where am I going to go after taking business? Where's my place in this world? It's a lost, confusing, treacherous thing to have in the back of my mind all the time. Sooo here's what popped up:

"Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him . . ."
Psalm 37:7

I really have to STOP WORRYING and BE PATIENT and know that these answers will come in time. As much as I am anticipating for these answers... it will come.
I guess with all the things that's been going on, God's just been telling me that I need to understand these things through my own experiences. It's not just have other people tell me, and push me... but just coming to terms that there are a lot of things that in order for me to grow, I have to get through these kinds of obstacles. I really want to grow.
I see so many people around me, so strong in God. And I just want to be like them. I want to have that confidence that holds them close to God, to trust God even through the tough times, to know that God has something bigger in store for them.
I really want to rely on other people to help me with that but I think there are things that I really have to get there myself. Through my own will overcoming my fleshly desires.

It was just last night that I was listening to this song and as my math exam was going on it just kept replaying and replaying. It's called: Something to Say - Starfield
I've got something to say
What was black and white is gray
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You
...
And faith might mean there won't be answers
And hope might mean enduring through the night
But help me not forget in darkness
The things that I believed in light
It has been very easy to seek out God but I have to admit that it's been incredibly hard to trust in God to have that faith. I'm getting tired of fighting this by myself. It's getting... too much for me. I'm tired of the long nights struggling with myself and getting no where.

I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new
I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life like only You can do
Cause I don’t want to stay the same

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I’m here
Like I’m searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You
Rediscover You - Starfield

Like fo srs

School has never been more tough.
I'm scared out of my mind I'm not going to pass.
This has got to be the first time where i'm worried about school.
After my exam today, it's out of my control... I have to trust.
Like... fo realz T_T

I don't know what the title should be

I tried to figure it out
Time and time again and time again
I guess there's just some things I'll never understand
'Cause Your ways aren't our ways

I can't think straight.
The things that are going through my mind cause me to see things without good judgment. My thoughts are distorted and I don't feel so good.
I hate feeling like this. I hate that I can't find the right words to say or the right way to act.
It's so tempting to just give up. I want to just give up everything so that I don't have to feel this way.
I'm so distracted by these thoughts.

I don't think there is going to be sleep for me tonight.

I'm leaning on this verse for the rest of the way...
"Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

Loaded up

It really doesn't feel like I have enough time to do everything, and I can't seem to understand the homework that I have to do. This is all becoming very overwhelming. I want an outlet where I can just let out all this stress so I can continue with all of this. Argh...

I'm not looking forward to my finals, I'm no where near prepared, and the more I think about it the more I want to shrink away. A friend of mine has pretty much given up on school, and his giving up attitude is quite infectious.... but I can't give up. I don't think I could let that happen. However... i'm very very close to slipping. I don't know what to do, it's so frustrating.

God, give me the strength to work at this. It's not the most important thing in my life... but I really want to get through this. I feel so unmotivated, so lacking in everything I'm doing. I need Your strength. I want You. I need You.

'Cause we can't fool ourselves,
into someone else's heart

Poopsicle

Ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's more to say?

Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

N'Sync

The memories I remember the most vividly are the ones from my childhood. I miss so much of the things that I use to do, I use to have. Oh man... to relive those days for just a while... it would be so awesome. Running around in the snow with my snowsuit, actually enjoying the winter, enjoying the outdoors... how different it was back then. I sometimes wish I never came to know electronics. Flying down the big hill by my house on my bike with my arms high up in the air without a care in the world. Running on the field til I got too tired. Playing soccer and getting winded leading me to vow to never touch a soccer ball ever again (I actually really like soccer). Man, what happened to me?
I miss talking on the phone, flashing each other so we could all have a conversation together... and later getting in trouble for spending too much money on it. It was worth it. Going over to my friend's house to just hang out, bike and get slurpees. I miss sitting around talking about boys and how stupid they were, playing pranks on our friends, causing a ruckus in out neighborhood. I miss the innocence, the moments where it really didn't matter where we were as long as we had fun and no matter what, we were busy doing something. I miss having so many friends that I could do anything with. We never judged each other for acting too immature or too crazy. I miss that the most. Over time it's like a line was drawn for the certain ways I can act, restrictions.
Time passed by too quickly.

Green, Pink, Orange, Magenta, Yellow

But Your love
Your love
The only the thing that matters is Your love
Your love is all I have to give
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It’s Your love
Your love
all I ever needed is Your love

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
Not everything is lost

School is killing me!!!!!
I'M SO TIRED T_T
When will you stop? =(
I really need to pick it up a notch.
I never really had to study to do okay and pass
BUT NOW IT'S SO DIFFERENT, WHY UNI... WHY???
But on the plus side i finally quit kumon =)
FINALLY.
Last day is next week, it shall be an exciting last day there.
It's been..... a long time since i started complaining about it, and now it is over and done with.
Wow, it sure takes me a ridiculously long time to do things =P

I really want to fix up my schedule and take some other options.. but it doesn't seem like the way i put my schedule earlier allows me to change it.

Well...
This was an extremely pointless blog lol.
BYE!

Webwork... you suck

WAH!!!
So Uni is finally showing it's true colours... or I'm just starting to feel really overwhelmed because I feel like I want to do well. That hasn't happened for a very long time. This motivation to do well in school, and to actually DO my homework that no one is checking. It's a strange thing.
And who else can I thank other than God! I've been praying to feel motivated to not leave things to the last minute, study hard in order to do well. I have no idea how well i will do on my quizzes but whatever it is I feel like I'm doing something right by just doing work and such.
I really hope that I can make it back in time from Hawaii to write my quiz. I don't want to take a 0%... it'll crush me and make me feel really bad. JIM STALLARD!!! PLEASE BE UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!! I'll talk to you again on weds T_T

I think that it's time I quit my job at Kumon. I've been meaning to do that... for oh.. I don't know... 2 years now? haha... The things I get done in life >_> When you go to work with as if it was the biggest burden in your life... I think it's time to move on and leave it behind. So... For those reading, please don't let me change my mind on this subject.

OKAY
BACK TO MATH I GO

Distractions

So camp was SUPER DUBER AMAZINGLY AWESOME. No. Those words can't even describe my time there. It's fascinating the way God works through people's lives. God is just so so so good. I was writing about my trip in my journal and just recalling the things that God did in my life, the changes He made, they all got me excited inside and it was awesome. After coming home from something like that, I didn't think that coming back to Calgary would be the biggest distraction EVER. I honestly didn't think that in just a few days, I was back to where I was before I went to camp. But it really does help, writing about my events at camp and just things like that. It brings me back and it helped renew my spirit.
Man the flesh is so weak sauce! Mine is at least. And lemme tell you that it really sucks. So more bible reading and praying for me.

School is starting and I'm freaking out. AH SCREW YOU SCHOOL. I DON'T WANT TO GO JUST YET. -sigh-

Long time no blog!!!

I am super excited for camp!
I haven't been to a camp since grade 8 for band camp.... I did not personally enjoy it all that much. The most enjoyable camp that I have ever had was in grade 6 for outdoor school. That... was a good time =)
Wow.. isn't is sad how this is my first one? You'd think that after... many many years of attending the church i would have gone to at least one.. but nope... this is my first one. I'm really looking forward to what God has in store for me. I didn't think too much about it until the time to go to camp creeped up on me.

Yay! I'm really pumped for this!!!