Sleepless nights

I am extremely tired. Actually, I've been tired since I got up. And here I am... not willing to sleep, not willing to do anything. There are too many things on my mind. Now now, don't get me wrong. I really like sleeping... but right now... I just don't want to sleep. I feel like there are too many things that need to be done, but I just don't want to do any of it. Why? Great question, I wish I knew the answer. You know what? I wish i knew the the answers to my physics exam, and my social exam and my english exam. How wonderful that would be.

I went to tutorials this morning for social and i realized that my paper that I wrote, was a big pile of poo. Just this one ginormous, big, nasty pile of poo. And as of right now... just thinking about it makes me die a little inside. I died a little writing it, now I just died more thinking about it. The sad thing is, the only possible cure of not thinking about it is playing video games. RIGHT SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF EXAMS.

Another thing. I should not be allowed to drive. Everytime I drive something goes wrong. Why me? Come on, I really like driving, so why??? GAH.

Maybe I should sleep... my head hurts... ahh..... I don't want to think anymore.. just let everything shut down.. AHAEROVU OATVK 09T4IKOAG KOV o;

Night.

From One World to Another

My friends always bring up such interesting topics. I have a friend who didn't like to read books because when they finished the book, it felt like they were leaving that world. I never thought about books... or even movies in that way. Now that I think about it, when I'm reading a book, I am immersed into that world. With Harry Potter, it was amazing to read about sorcery or like... Hogwarts... and being in a magical world. Even with the book Night. That world... was indeed a very dark one... but it gave me insight. Then, I came across another very interesting thing while on Soompi in the current events section. The perfection of Avatar has caused people depression in the way that they could never live in that kind of a beautiful world. I read an article on that, and how people ended up contemplating suicide because they would wake up to the dull Earth.

I was going to write more.. but my brain has died, and I can't think. Good night.

If walls could talk

IF PETER CHAO CAN JUMP OFF A DRESSER, SO CAN I. Unfortunately, I do not have a dresser...

Although I am currently stressing over my social paper tomorrow... and also stressing over my English paper that I wrote today.. I AM STILL SOMEHOW NOT GETTING TO WORK. WHY?? Arrggh... I shake my mighty fist at the lovely dovey romance dramas that I keep watching.. and rewatching... and I just can't seem to stop. -Sigh-

I had an intense discussion with Tammy about having a real man as a boyfriend. So very hard to find these days. (haha) jk, but we did bring it up. I am too unsatisfied with too many things. AND SO... i should just be satisfied with everything. A solution to everything.

I am contemplating whether or not to study social or not. Even though the answer is quite obvious, I can't seem to push myself anymore then this. AHHHHHHHHHHH. KAy... if i don't study.. i'm just gonna go and punch myself in the face. That will not only hurt my face, but it will also cause slight damage to my hand as well. OKAY TIME TO FOCUS. NO MORE BLOGGING.

He's Dedicated to Roses

<3<3<3<3<3<3
What a wonderful manga that stole all my time as I was suppose to do homework. I ended up staying up til 2 am in the morning... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Kay... now i shall re-read that manga. It made my heart skip a beat. Always a good thing =)

Well... Physics homework here I come. Lalala, and I am now going to stay up late once again.

WHY IS IT 2010???

So... We were all gathered together at my friend's house for a new years eve celebration and for the countdown... and... there was a specific conversation that was brought up which made me terribly sad and depressed. 2009, 2008, 2007.. (so on and so on) WILL NEVER EVER COME BACK. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.....

The truth, and the realization hurts me. I have yet to do so many things, and I have not done anything... really. (Insert a very sad face)

And you know what else? 2010 means that I am getting closer to my birthday. And my birthday means I will turn 18. I DON'T WANT TO BE LEGAL AND HAVE PEOPLE BE ABLE TO SUE ME AND ARREST ME. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... that sucks. Well... as much as I am being paranoid about 2010, I had a really excellent new years day with my buddies. Oh they make me happy. And school in 2 days. I really didn't want to mention that, but by doing that I realize that I still have homework to do, and much studying to do. Hurray. And good job Dana for procrastinating this long. You really fail.

ZOMBIFIED

Yes, it is true.
I AM NOW ZOMBIFIED.
=(
That means.... I got my H1N1 shot. As much as i dislike stuff being poked into my arm... i try not to think about the things that are actually going into my body through it. THAT has already caused me enough troubles.
This includes: Sharing drinks and sharing ear buds
I just think too closely about these two things and I need not to describe them.
AND LUCKY ME. ARGH!!! I now owe the library approximately $0.40 =( and i can't renew the book because of the holds that it has. I WAITED FOR THIS BOOK.. and I still haven't read it. -sigh- Oh well, i'll just borrow it from a friend.

I have fallen in love with the drama The Most Beautiful Seventh Day. Yup, it is super predictable, and it's not really that sad... but i still cried =P I find how everything has it's own connections to another is just... magical, and I love it. I am a mad, die hard fan of romantic comedies =D
I'm such a loser, BUT this is something I am totally not afraid to admit.

PEACE OUT PEOPLE, it's CHRISTMAS EVE =)

Two is Better Than One

That song is sooooo amazing =)
It makes me so happy inside, and it's just currently stuck in my head.. and it won't get out... so that causes a few problems. Oh Well.
i'm so tired.... and i'm going to Zoo Lights tomorrow with... Girl from LA, brother and brother's girlfriend. Lalalala, that's going to be weird. I never go anywhere with my brother. Unless he is complaining to me while he is driving me home. That is a different story though. LALALALALALALALA

meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
and so it goes on and on and on.

SOCIAL!!! YOU STRESS ME OUT, AS DO YOU PHYSICS, AS DO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh and how could i forget english. -shakes head-

this blog has been very very very random. LALALALALA
AND MICHAEL HURRY UP AND REPLY TO MY TEXT
AHHHHH!!!!

LOL Smiley Face

What a terrible song that is, haha. Catchy title though!
So as of the moment, the Student Center on the University of Calgary website is not working. That means I can't submit my scholarship application. And this causes me a lot of stress which leads me to blog about it. As I am blogging, I have a few rather important things to do, however, I am not doing it. That means, tonight, I'll be sleeping late... just like last night. NOT GOOD.

I'm not sure if i should apply to the University of British Columbia or not. I mean even if I get accepted... I probably don't want to go, then it would be a waste of money. I really hope that I get into Business.. because I really don't know what I would do other than that. ARGH, thinking for my future is extremely hard.

I am sooooo tiredd!!!! And I've been looking for a new blog layout or make my own when I have time to figure out all this html stuff. -sigh- AHHH SO TIRED.

Dana + lack of sleep = (a very angry Dana)^2 = super saiyan x full moon = giant monkey

Pause, Play, Stop

The world would be a rather boring place if all of time stopped. Even for a moment, I don't think I could stand that much stillness. But... If i really think about it. It might be something that was worth thinking about for the very least. The moment that time stopped, a person could carefully examine all that is around them and just take a brief moment to really look around. Look at a stranger's face and try to understand the complex story behind that frozen face. I wonder. I always wonder what kind of a story that a person holds.
In English we've been reading into the Holocaust a lot. Actually... reading it made me question how those events really happened. I really don't understand how it was possible.. for something like that to happen. "And the world just stood idly by and watched". The pain, the suffering... no one... that's not right, no thing should ever go through such humiliation, such... emotional pain. Really. Where was God in all of that? I don't think I have the right to question. While reading the book "Night" by Elie Wiesel.... wow what a guy. His own perspective of life is just inspiring. And... reading the interview with Oprah (presented in class), as a man coming out of that hell... there was no hate in him towards the people that tortured him, that brought on that hell, he took on an entirely different view on life that I don't think I could ever understand... but just trying to understand, there is some kind of understanding... if that made any sense. Trying to explain my thoughts through words if very hard. Maybe it's because these feelings I have don't actually make that much sense, even to me, but n it's own way it makes sense... but only to me. WOW. That made no sense.

There's a lot to understand in this world. My problems that I face... they do feel so insignificant to another person's issue. But honestly. What is there to compare? Why is it that one has to always compare one's situation to see which one is worse? Does it make it that much better? "Questions bring people together. Answers tear people apart" A quote I got from a reading that Elie Wiesel said himself. It makes a lot of sense to a lot of worldly issues, but of course (haha) one could argue.

I just have too many complex feelings. I don't want to feel them actually. I don't enjoy the extra stress it brings onto my life. However, I don't feel like I really need to dispose of those feelings.
What stupid feelings I have. I need to stop thinking altogether. My thoughts don't even make sense anymore.

Pepsi

You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go...

I don't think I could ever stand being alone. Okay, maybe from time to time when I just need some time for myself.. but other than that, I love to be surrounded by people. Loneliness... to me, it's the worst feeling in the world. To have people who won't abandon you, to have people recognize you, to have people welcome you with open arms... it helps people walk a little further no matter how bad things get. There were times in my life, when I felt like I had no friends, no one to trust and I could only depend on myself. That was difficult. But then a friend came along and reached out His hands to me. I don't ever want to let go of those hands. For as long as I live, Those hands will touch my heart and lift me up. God, don't ever let me go, not even for a moment. Know that... no matter how far I stray, I will always come back to you, so don't let me stray, keep me on the path to Your glory.
Don't let me go.

NOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE

My house... is always so noisy. It's really very hard to find peace and quiet in any part of the house in any time of day. The only time of day that it's ACTUALLY quiet is.... at night when everyone is asleep. Wait no. That's not entirely true. The basement.... When i'm trying to finish up homework, my grandmother would come out of her room every 30 mins or so, and go to the washroom, or come and scold me to go to sleep especially if it's an urgent assignment due to procrastination. I really just want some kind of quietness... that would be nice. BUT THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE IN MY CURRENT SITUATION.

Physics.... hates me. BUT I STILL DON'T HATE YOU !!!!!! OKAY????? SO PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE. JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE AND WATCH WE WILL WORK THINGS OUT!!!!!!!!! DON'T DO THIS TO MEEEE!!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS I'M DOING THAT MAKES YOU MAD AT ME, SO SO, TELL ME AND I'LL BE BETTER, I PROMISE!!!
(I am that desperate)

Siblinggggg

I don't know what I would do without my brother. He is possibly the only person I have yet to know... to make me laugh when I feel my worst. No matter what he does to make me really mad, or what he does to hurt me, or what he does to annoy me, I still love this guy. I don't know how he does it, but I always feel better after talking to him. He gives... different perspectives, never the cliche, and.... he's my brother, he's a part of me in the way that we are connected by blood. It makes me happy that there is someone like that for me.

There are honestly a lot of things that I need to get done, and I really haven't done anything. I'm suppose to write a short story by Nov.1, soooo.. I don't know how i'm going to get that done for the scholarship. ARGH!! I really like writing short stories. But... I'm no good at them. Mmm.. My eyes are itching for sleep, so night all =)

Green, Yellow, Red

Keep tryna turn back the page, but it still feels like...
Romeo & Juliet.
I wanna love you but I
just cant seem to do it yet.

I never know whether i should stop or not when the lights are turning from green to yellow, and eventually red. AH, stressful. What if life just had no stress in it? That... would also be stressful. Because then I wouldn't have anything to do. And life would be boring.
I'm really excited to start this mentorship program. At first i was a bit unsure whether or not I would want to waste my fridays doing this... I eventually came to the conclusion... after thinking it over and over again, that I would do this. I'm not sure how this is going to go, but oh welps. We'll see =)
Man, I am obsessed with shoujo mangas T_T They are just so cute! Makes me wish that I had a love like this.
Today was possibly the easiest most... relaxing working saturday that I've had in a while. When the studio gets a bit busier, i don't get as restless.
I'm so scared about what I'm headed into. University seems so scary, so far away... yet so close. I'm not really sure what to go into, and everything seems like a mess of things at the moment.
I was out with dinner with the fam, and I was talking to my cousin and we got into a discussion of religion. There are so many things in this world. There is one Bible, and there are billions of people, each one with a different perspective. Everyone has a different interpretation of the Bible, a different set of morals and values. It's a confusing thing, and there are so many things that I don't understand, and I question a lot about the things that I might read about and I can't seem to just put one finger on one thing. I know that God is real, I know that much. But it seems everything else is muddled and very hard to understand. I'm trying to grasp something that turns into a million other things.


AHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH SCHOLARSHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENGLISH

I've decided that... I don't hate English. In fact, I love the language. I love writing, and it's a great thing to be able to write even though I have absolutely no talent in that area. It shows... through my marks. I just finished writing my take home essay that my teacher assigned about a week or two ago. I was suppose to get it done last night, but instead... I decided that sleep was more important. I ended up regretting that big time when morning came and I dreamed that my essay was written up. Luckily, my teacher is extremely lenient and nice, and she told us that the deadline was tonight at midnight AND I PRAY THAT I WROTE DOWN THE RIGHT EMAIL. I missed my friend's birthday and church to do this. AND I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WRITING THIS. So hopefully I'll get a decent mark. But... It's better if I don't have my hopes up because it never ends well. Surprisingly, I'm doing better in both of my writing classes than I am in Physics 20. I feel really sad when I think about that. But in a way I'm glad.
I don't enjoy driving anymore. People are crazy on the roads sometimes. I almost got into an accident today, and thank the Lord, that no one was hurt. I don't mind so much that something will happen to my license and demerit points or anything, it's just that my 2 good friends were in the car and I would regret for the rest of my life if anything happened to them, and I was driving. Also, I would hate for the insurance of my parents to go up because of me, AND SO... driving is not so fun anymore. My conclusion? I don't like driving, it adds too much stress to my life.
I was talking to a friend(?) of mine (I put a question mark because we have a hate/like relationship -laughs-) and he was telling me his dream was to do nothing for the rest of his life and live a carefree life but still have the income coming to him. After that, he told me that he had no ambition in his life. Then I thought about that and I thought that I also had no ambition in my life. I don't know what I want in life and I can't decide on a career choice or what I want to go into for university. I might not have enough of an average to get into business, and then I'm screwed. Why business? I have no idea. I don't even know what there is that I could go into and here I am, deciding that it would be what I'm going to go into. This all sucks very much.
I have motivated myself, and I am now going to do my homework accordingly, no more procrastination.

Seaweed

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

I don't think I've felt this insecure in a while. It's been a while. This feeling feels like an old friend that I really don't want to have around. But... It's coming back. I've always yearned for some sort of stability in my life, or just to feel safe.. to feel secure. I found in Jesus Christ a long time ago. After my faith consistently wavered, I find myself in the place I began. That was not what I wanted nor was it intended. I told myself over and over again that I never want to go back to who I was, so why am I here right back to the place I hated the most. My concentration on everything that's important is no longer on a focus. I feel like there is something holding me back, that's wrapped around me uncomfortably and I can't seem to break free from it. I don't know what I want in life and university is just around the corner. I don't want to waste a year of my life because life is too short for time to be wasted. When I reach out to the world, and I could be doing that for years. Eventually my arm gets tired because it feels like nothing is reaching back to take hold of my hand. I want to run. Far away. From everything. But.. I can't, I feel like I'm held back by this invisible chain and.... it's the farthest I can go.
There was once a girl that loses her memory every 13 hours, and her life of the previous day is held in her little diary telling her who she is, and how this life of her's came to be. After the 13 hours, an hour of her day disappears in the following hour. A memory defect that happened because of an accident 4 years ago. She asked a boy that she met at an abandoned train station a math question that went a little like this: A stake is driven in a field, and a sheep is tied to it. The sheep keeps munching the grass. What is the area of the resulting circle?. The boy replied: The square of the length of the string is pi, right? Instead of answering the question she says: It seems the sheep even eats the roots of the grass. The grass can’t grow back, and the plain turns into a desert. When I heard this question, I saw an image of that tied sheep slowly starving to death. That was the way her life was described, something bound by a chain and the farthest her hands can reach is 13 hours. Slowly, very slowly, her existence meant little to nothing. However, losing her memory was not her biggest fear. What she was truly afraid of was disappearing from the memories of everyone else.

What a day

Here is possibly the only good part of my day haha.
Ðana says:
what up what up
my name is future ♡ says:
ceiling
Ðana says:
excellent
i'm glad it's still up
my name is future ♡ says:
ya i know today was so windy
Ðana says:
LOL

YOU MAY NOT HAVE FOUND IT FUNNY... but i most certainly did =D
So.... i had a very sad day, failed my drivers =( and i got mouthed and sworn at but a relatively old lady for driving a bit below speed limit. Such angry people. She even took the effort to jerk her car to a stop next to mine and do that. WHY SO ANGRY????? After that I got so sad that I made my mom drive the rest of the way home. Now... I have to redo it. And this time... I'M READY OKAY??? I'M READY. I PAID FOR IT THIS TIME SOOOO... I'MA TAKE IT LIKE LIKE A SPANISH BULL AND I'MA HAVE MY RED CLOTH AND THEN I'LL TAKE IT ON.
And.. that is all for today T_T

Rent-a-Friend

I was reading an article on this Japanese business that was booming called Rent-a-friend. I personally thought it was very interesting to market something like that. So it basically gives people someone to fake as their lover, cousin, uncle, family member, best friend... friend. Something that stood out to me while reading the article was that people would pay to have someone at their wedding to be their pretend father/uncle for them to walk down the bride down an aisle because they didn't have anyone like that in the R.L. I thought that was very cute... yet sad. But aside from that, it was funny thing to read about. I read about a lot of interesting current events, such as a man who fell in love with a 2-D character from Da Capo and he like deemed her as his girlfriend saying he has real feelings for her. The man carries a pillow of her around with her... . There was this really touching article that I read which was soooo adorable. This man and his wife lived in a rural area (China) and they lived in a cave on top of a really steep hill and because the man's wife had a hard time getting down the hill, he hand carved her 6000+ steps down the hill just for her convenience. A LADDER OF LOVE. I was so moved. And then there are the simple things that people do that are actually very romantic. I read this article about a man who would go out and buy his wife of 60 years, a fresh rose to put by her beside every day and gives her a kiss every morning and at every night before she sleep. How can one not be moved by SUCH GREAT FORCES OF LOVE.

Come on Naruto, HURRY UP AND UPDATE TO YOUR NEWEST CHAPTER ALREADY.!!

Below is a picture of the man and his girlfriend. Oh and he's only 37.

Your Love, Your Everlasting Love

My finger tips are starting to become very red and painful... yet this brings some sort of accomplishment to me. I started to play Bubbly by Colbie Caillat and like... I can get the strumming down, but when I start to sing along with it, it... doesn't work. This means I need more work haha, I honestly love Mr. Hoon, gosh, I can spend hours just sitting there with my fingers in pain playing the guitar. With the piano (who I also love) it's more difficult to do what I want because my family has a disorder in which they cannot stop watching tv, and the tv is quite distracting especially the noise level that my dad watches it at. And when the house is finally quiet, it's because it's time to sleep... and I lose the chance to play in quiet. With the guitar, I can play as long as I want even when they are asleep since it's transportable... which is awesome! I really want to tone up my piano free styling though haha, I love to rock out on the piano. That's why I have considered buying an electronic keyboard to put in my room... but... it's expensive and my room no longer has any room for anything... and due to the fact that I refuse to organize and clean up my room... that causes some issues.
I really want to start graphics designing and stuff related to arts and photography, it's really starting to appeal to me... BUT, I know.. I'm no good at it... Come to think of it... I'm not good at anything. Like I'm average, but I don't excel in any area of... well... basically everything. I did really bad on my physics unit test... and so now I feel quite depressed although not as depressed as I thought i would be. Probably because it's not as important right about now. I actually have not been doing much homework or anything in general, I keep getting distracted and sidetracked and this is really affecting my work ethics and such. I blame IB. Where can I find motivation? It's very hard, I HAVE STEP IT UP. I honestly need to do well because it's not only for my sake BUT FOR ..... okay I don't really have anything else, but I guess I could get more motivation if I'm doing this for God. And thinking of it just now, makes me more pumped. That is the sign of good things to come.
I can't wait to drive!! AHH!!! I honestly love the thought of being able to get to places faster. Haha, and my driving skillage is increasing, so... hopefully by the end of next week I will have it. I would get it this week but apparently it's snowing on saturday... now that won't do will it? OKAY TIME TO DO PHYSICS AND STUDY SOMETHING!! LET'S DO THIS. I really should start earlier shouldn't I?

Well, I end here now.

BAAAAAAAAI

You Found Me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor

The Fray comes out with some pretty good stuff, I just found this song from MorganThen doing a cover for it. That guy is so talented and more than that, he incorporates some exotic taste into the music that he does a cover for like that asian string thing (i'm so bad at describing things) and the bongo thing =P Goooo Morganthen!

Decisions, decisions, decisions. University, relationships, family, everything in life just seems to be based off of the decisions one makes. I like to think of the long term and it seems like because of that I've become this insane crazy woman that thinks too much. I'm going to become psychotic for that one of these days. A lot of the times I just feel so insecure by the decisions that I make and so it makes me think that I could never lead in anything or become a leader in anything because these are people who make all the big decisions and stuff. I guess that has caused me a lot of set backs and what I'm willing to do. I want to leave these decisions all to God but it's so hard to set aside my thoughts and just let God take the driver's seat.
Hopefully one of these days... it'll just settle down... and I don't have to stress for like one day. I keep thinking that once something is over I won't have to stress about it anymore, but for a year or two now, I can't stop stressing about something. It's crazy. I need to calm down .

9/9/9

September 9th, 2009
Hmm... I think the Chinese people would have liked it more September 9th, 1999, more nines haha. There are still so many things that are heavy in my heart these days. So very many. Family problems, relationship problems, ... problems with myself. Just too many problems. As much as I wish that they would all just go away and I'll live my life happily ever after... Ya, it's not going to happen. I really want to make grade 12 memorable for me. It's my last year of high school before I most on to post-secondary where ever that may be. I've been talking to my counselor and then I got sent to the... CALM guy. I guess I'm starting to get a better picture of what I might want to go into. Honestly, it's more researching and finding what I like more than anything. So some things that have been bothering me is... my grade 9 piano exam mark sheet has somehow disappeared. Another thing is.. Even though I'm done my grade 10 piano exam, i'm not satisfied with it. I feel very uneasy about it. I have considered taking my ARCT but now with my unpleasant mark and my unwillingness to redo grade 10, it looks like I'm not going to take it. -sigh-
I thought finishing grade 10 piano would be a huge relief for me, but... now it just feels like I'm missing a part of me. I've played piano for about 13 years, and I started when I was 4. Thinking about that now, really wows me. Not that I'm any good at piano, it's just the length of time that I spent on it... makes me happy. Now that I have so much spare time, I've been filling it with school activities. I never did like school activities but because it IS my last year, I want to do something fulfilling with it. I really want to watch the movie 9, it looks really cool. Wow, way off topic here.
There are a lot of things I want to accomplish at the moment. One consists of actually getting my homework done... and the main one is to really focus on God. I keep losing track and I've begun to totally fade from it. Everytime this happens, it just drives me ridiculously crazy. To me, life without God is meaningless. So, I know what's important and I will strive to make things in my life that are important, first.