Seaweed

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

I don't think I've felt this insecure in a while. It's been a while. This feeling feels like an old friend that I really don't want to have around. But... It's coming back. I've always yearned for some sort of stability in my life, or just to feel safe.. to feel secure. I found in Jesus Christ a long time ago. After my faith consistently wavered, I find myself in the place I began. That was not what I wanted nor was it intended. I told myself over and over again that I never want to go back to who I was, so why am I here right back to the place I hated the most. My concentration on everything that's important is no longer on a focus. I feel like there is something holding me back, that's wrapped around me uncomfortably and I can't seem to break free from it. I don't know what I want in life and university is just around the corner. I don't want to waste a year of my life because life is too short for time to be wasted. When I reach out to the world, and I could be doing that for years. Eventually my arm gets tired because it feels like nothing is reaching back to take hold of my hand. I want to run. Far away. From everything. But.. I can't, I feel like I'm held back by this invisible chain and.... it's the farthest I can go.
There was once a girl that loses her memory every 13 hours, and her life of the previous day is held in her little diary telling her who she is, and how this life of her's came to be. After the 13 hours, an hour of her day disappears in the following hour. A memory defect that happened because of an accident 4 years ago. She asked a boy that she met at an abandoned train station a math question that went a little like this: A stake is driven in a field, and a sheep is tied to it. The sheep keeps munching the grass. What is the area of the resulting circle?. The boy replied: The square of the length of the string is pi, right? Instead of answering the question she says: It seems the sheep even eats the roots of the grass. The grass can’t grow back, and the plain turns into a desert. When I heard this question, I saw an image of that tied sheep slowly starving to death. That was the way her life was described, something bound by a chain and the farthest her hands can reach is 13 hours. Slowly, very slowly, her existence meant little to nothing. However, losing her memory was not her biggest fear. What she was truly afraid of was disappearing from the memories of everyone else.