Your Love, Your Everlasting Love

My finger tips are starting to become very red and painful... yet this brings some sort of accomplishment to me. I started to play Bubbly by Colbie Caillat and like... I can get the strumming down, but when I start to sing along with it, it... doesn't work. This means I need more work haha, I honestly love Mr. Hoon, gosh, I can spend hours just sitting there with my fingers in pain playing the guitar. With the piano (who I also love) it's more difficult to do what I want because my family has a disorder in which they cannot stop watching tv, and the tv is quite distracting especially the noise level that my dad watches it at. And when the house is finally quiet, it's because it's time to sleep... and I lose the chance to play in quiet. With the guitar, I can play as long as I want even when they are asleep since it's transportable... which is awesome! I really want to tone up my piano free styling though haha, I love to rock out on the piano. That's why I have considered buying an electronic keyboard to put in my room... but... it's expensive and my room no longer has any room for anything... and due to the fact that I refuse to organize and clean up my room... that causes some issues.
I really want to start graphics designing and stuff related to arts and photography, it's really starting to appeal to me... BUT, I know.. I'm no good at it... Come to think of it... I'm not good at anything. Like I'm average, but I don't excel in any area of... well... basically everything. I did really bad on my physics unit test... and so now I feel quite depressed although not as depressed as I thought i would be. Probably because it's not as important right about now. I actually have not been doing much homework or anything in general, I keep getting distracted and sidetracked and this is really affecting my work ethics and such. I blame IB. Where can I find motivation? It's very hard, I HAVE STEP IT UP. I honestly need to do well because it's not only for my sake BUT FOR ..... okay I don't really have anything else, but I guess I could get more motivation if I'm doing this for God. And thinking of it just now, makes me more pumped. That is the sign of good things to come.
I can't wait to drive!! AHH!!! I honestly love the thought of being able to get to places faster. Haha, and my driving skillage is increasing, so... hopefully by the end of next week I will have it. I would get it this week but apparently it's snowing on saturday... now that won't do will it? OKAY TIME TO DO PHYSICS AND STUDY SOMETHING!! LET'S DO THIS. I really should start earlier shouldn't I?

Well, I end here now.

BAAAAAAAAI

You Found Me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor

The Fray comes out with some pretty good stuff, I just found this song from MorganThen doing a cover for it. That guy is so talented and more than that, he incorporates some exotic taste into the music that he does a cover for like that asian string thing (i'm so bad at describing things) and the bongo thing =P Goooo Morganthen!

Decisions, decisions, decisions. University, relationships, family, everything in life just seems to be based off of the decisions one makes. I like to think of the long term and it seems like because of that I've become this insane crazy woman that thinks too much. I'm going to become psychotic for that one of these days. A lot of the times I just feel so insecure by the decisions that I make and so it makes me think that I could never lead in anything or become a leader in anything because these are people who make all the big decisions and stuff. I guess that has caused me a lot of set backs and what I'm willing to do. I want to leave these decisions all to God but it's so hard to set aside my thoughts and just let God take the driver's seat.
Hopefully one of these days... it'll just settle down... and I don't have to stress for like one day. I keep thinking that once something is over I won't have to stress about it anymore, but for a year or two now, I can't stop stressing about something. It's crazy. I need to calm down .

9/9/9

September 9th, 2009
Hmm... I think the Chinese people would have liked it more September 9th, 1999, more nines haha. There are still so many things that are heavy in my heart these days. So very many. Family problems, relationship problems, ... problems with myself. Just too many problems. As much as I wish that they would all just go away and I'll live my life happily ever after... Ya, it's not going to happen. I really want to make grade 12 memorable for me. It's my last year of high school before I most on to post-secondary where ever that may be. I've been talking to my counselor and then I got sent to the... CALM guy. I guess I'm starting to get a better picture of what I might want to go into. Honestly, it's more researching and finding what I like more than anything. So some things that have been bothering me is... my grade 9 piano exam mark sheet has somehow disappeared. Another thing is.. Even though I'm done my grade 10 piano exam, i'm not satisfied with it. I feel very uneasy about it. I have considered taking my ARCT but now with my unpleasant mark and my unwillingness to redo grade 10, it looks like I'm not going to take it. -sigh-
I thought finishing grade 10 piano would be a huge relief for me, but... now it just feels like I'm missing a part of me. I've played piano for about 13 years, and I started when I was 4. Thinking about that now, really wows me. Not that I'm any good at piano, it's just the length of time that I spent on it... makes me happy. Now that I have so much spare time, I've been filling it with school activities. I never did like school activities but because it IS my last year, I want to do something fulfilling with it. I really want to watch the movie 9, it looks really cool. Wow, way off topic here.
There are a lot of things I want to accomplish at the moment. One consists of actually getting my homework done... and the main one is to really focus on God. I keep losing track and I've begun to totally fade from it. Everytime this happens, it just drives me ridiculously crazy. To me, life without God is meaningless. So, I know what's important and I will strive to make things in my life that are important, first.

And so the story goes on

It seems that all that I've feared has come to a conclusion. There is just no more doubt in what I feel. The hard part would be to confront it... Something I have never been successful in doing. It feels as though if I don't act on it... my heart will just get eaten away. I honestly don't know if my decisions will turn into something I'll like, but... I have a feeling that I probably won't regret it. I have never known what is best, and I probably never will. I just know that there are decisions that I have to choose in order to continue on with my life. Everything would be easier if I could just close my eyes and wish away everything that troubles me and I won't have to deal with anything. Life would be too simple... and in this world, it's never simple... or at least when you start to grow up. Another factor why I hate growing up.
There has been things going on at home that I just don't really feel. Days like today just makes me want to shrivel up in a corner and hope and hope someone will come by and make it all better.
All of hope and all of what I really want right now is for God to take over. The driver's seat really isn't what I'm set for. My need to focus on God seems to be growing more and more... And to be with someone who can't share that aspect of me... I don't think I can handle it anymore. The most important thing in my life can't be shared with someone who I want to share my life would... just doesn't mix.

Honestly, i don't know when to act on it, nor do I know when I'll build enough courage. Hurting people... just isn't my forte.