Sleep isn't worth while when it leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Saturday, April 05, 2014
Description of my Heart
I spend my life to know, I'm far from close to all You are...
Recently, I've been trying to lay out the things that God has done for me. He has done a lot for me through the many obstacles that I have come across. To withstand the amount of complaining, whining, and pouting that I have dealt can only be handled by a higher being haha.
The best description that I have come across, honestly just 2 minutes ago, is that God makes me brave.
When I'm around the people I'm close to, I can be really loud and I'm not quite afraid to express myself, but the moment there's a stranger there, I shut off. It's almost like my brain runs out of juice and my thought cease to exist. Asking an employee of a retail service place for something is extremely difficult and talking to someone new feels like I just want to jump off a building rather than carry a conversation. It's actually quite depressing how it makes me feel. The confidence that I like to pretend I have is just not really there.
However, when I worship... no matter the crowd, not matter who is there in the audience... when I'm focused on God, He makes me brave. This is the best description I have yet to come across. When my heart is on God, the world's judgement can't compare to the strength and power of my Father. The passage where Peter is walking towards Jesus on water with his eyes focused on him, he can successfully trust the miracles. This story resonates with me a lot because I have a lot of trouble focusing, even on God.
I really hope that with faith, with trust and with practice I can take that bravery off stage and into my day to day life. Maybe one day I'll even be able to speak perfectly normal with a stranger without thinking that I'd rather slit my wrist than go through with it. I do believe that with my eyes on God... I can do this.
You make me brave, You called me out beyond the shore into the waves.
You make me brave, no fear can hinder me now from the promises you made.
Recently, I've been trying to lay out the things that God has done for me. He has done a lot for me through the many obstacles that I have come across. To withstand the amount of complaining, whining, and pouting that I have dealt can only be handled by a higher being haha.
The best description that I have come across, honestly just 2 minutes ago, is that God makes me brave.
When I'm around the people I'm close to, I can be really loud and I'm not quite afraid to express myself, but the moment there's a stranger there, I shut off. It's almost like my brain runs out of juice and my thought cease to exist. Asking an employee of a retail service place for something is extremely difficult and talking to someone new feels like I just want to jump off a building rather than carry a conversation. It's actually quite depressing how it makes me feel. The confidence that I like to pretend I have is just not really there.
However, when I worship... no matter the crowd, not matter who is there in the audience... when I'm focused on God, He makes me brave. This is the best description I have yet to come across. When my heart is on God, the world's judgement can't compare to the strength and power of my Father. The passage where Peter is walking towards Jesus on water with his eyes focused on him, he can successfully trust the miracles. This story resonates with me a lot because I have a lot of trouble focusing, even on God.
I really hope that with faith, with trust and with practice I can take that bravery off stage and into my day to day life. Maybe one day I'll even be able to speak perfectly normal with a stranger without thinking that I'd rather slit my wrist than go through with it. I do believe that with my eyes on God... I can do this.
You make me brave, You called me out beyond the shore into the waves.
You make me brave, no fear can hinder me now from the promises you made.
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Embrace
"This is the sound of heaven invading earth"
What a powerful way to worship.
Can you hear it too?
What a powerful way to worship.
Can you hear it too?
Saturday, March 01, 2014
Wake Up Child, It's Your Time to Shine
I had a really good talk with a friend the other day. It was a different kind of conversation that I don't think I've come across thus far in my life haha. BUT REALLY. It was... really good.
We talked about the struggles in our lives as individuals, the struggles that we both share, the things we are tempted with, the different ways that we deal with our situations, and how as we are talking... the conversation we were holding... was not a topic that we could talk about with other people. And honestly, I've never had a chance to talk to someone like this before. It makes me wonder how I utilize the time that I have with my friends. With the conversation I shared with this friend, I was also really thankful to have her in my life. I was glad to be able to share my life in this way with her, an honest kind of relationship where we can be real with each other. So God, thank you for Erica, she's amazing.
I've recently been feeling very distant from God. Not distant in the way that I've lost faith in Him, but just that I haven't been trying hard enough. I guess I thought that while being in ministry it was enough, but it was only until recently that I realized that I wasn't feeling fed. I've been feeling a little empty but I also know that I need to seek out these things for myself and not be spoon fed (although I really hate it when people feed me - literally I mean). This also carries forward into the ministries that I'm involved with. I know I should be praying and trying harder to seek for success in them, but seriously, my laziness is so bad. I believe this is my biggest flaw, which means I really need to push myself harder to reach for better goals.
Recently, I've learned that there really is a skill in creating and meeting goals. This was actually an assignment that I had in my management studies class (which was surprisingly applicable to my current situation). Creating specific and detailed goals, with a person who is pushing you forward for them is very crucial. For example, using my goal from class, I could write out my goal to have myself exercise, but a better way to write it out would be to exercise twice a week by the end of 2 weeks. My partner would then proceed to text me every 2 days to see how my progress was, and well, this really just depends on how committed both ends were. Long story short, I did meet my goal! In this way, I am more motivated to become more active in my goal meeting for YAC and worship.
I'm just so glad that even though I am struggling in finding a job and not too sure where everything is headed, regardless of that, I have a God that I want to please as my goal and this pushes me forward.
So... THANK GOD!
We talked about the struggles in our lives as individuals, the struggles that we both share, the things we are tempted with, the different ways that we deal with our situations, and how as we are talking... the conversation we were holding... was not a topic that we could talk about with other people. And honestly, I've never had a chance to talk to someone like this before. It makes me wonder how I utilize the time that I have with my friends. With the conversation I shared with this friend, I was also really thankful to have her in my life. I was glad to be able to share my life in this way with her, an honest kind of relationship where we can be real with each other. So God, thank you for Erica, she's amazing.
I've recently been feeling very distant from God. Not distant in the way that I've lost faith in Him, but just that I haven't been trying hard enough. I guess I thought that while being in ministry it was enough, but it was only until recently that I realized that I wasn't feeling fed. I've been feeling a little empty but I also know that I need to seek out these things for myself and not be spoon fed (although I really hate it when people feed me - literally I mean). This also carries forward into the ministries that I'm involved with. I know I should be praying and trying harder to seek for success in them, but seriously, my laziness is so bad. I believe this is my biggest flaw, which means I really need to push myself harder to reach for better goals.
Recently, I've learned that there really is a skill in creating and meeting goals. This was actually an assignment that I had in my management studies class (which was surprisingly applicable to my current situation). Creating specific and detailed goals, with a person who is pushing you forward for them is very crucial. For example, using my goal from class, I could write out my goal to have myself exercise, but a better way to write it out would be to exercise twice a week by the end of 2 weeks. My partner would then proceed to text me every 2 days to see how my progress was, and well, this really just depends on how committed both ends were. Long story short, I did meet my goal! In this way, I am more motivated to become more active in my goal meeting for YAC and worship.
I'm just so glad that even though I am struggling in finding a job and not too sure where everything is headed, regardless of that, I have a God that I want to please as my goal and this pushes me forward.
So... THANK GOD!
Thursday, November 07, 2013
Here we are again
It's 5am and I'm just going to sleep.
Why?
Cause school sucks. Like just reeeeaally sucks. I cannot wait to graduate, assuming I can T_T.
I wish I could stop putting myself into this kind of position everytime there's an assignment, or test... It is my fault but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything until the pressure is on. Why am I like this?
Anyways.
I should sleep... Waking up in about two hours =(
Friday, October 25, 2013
You come through
Feeling very blessed by this song
The Lord is my Shepherd - Jeremy Riddle
Let the pain in my life
Find its healing in Your eyes
Every hurt, every loss
Pull me closer to Your heart
Let the wind and the waves
Bring anew, courage and faith
I’m singing out, singing out…
The Lord is my Shepherd and I want for nothing
You lead me to water for You know I’m thirsting
And I, am only satisfied by You
Every day, I make a choice
To be led, only by Your voice
To be bold and unafraid
Knowing I am covered, I am safe
For even now, in my need
You are proving yet again to me
You are there
You are there
Always there
The Lord is my Shepherd and I want for nothing
You lead me to water for You know I’m thirsting
And I, am only satisfied by You
I'm super tired, and quite stressed out about school, my grades and if I'll graduate.
And yet I am feeling so blessed.
And yet I am feeling so blessed.
The only thing in my life that I've ever been sure about is the grace of God.
The grace that covers me in my worst, in my most unworthy and just the amount of doubt I have sometimes.
The weight of HIs love, the heavy feeling in my heart that is so overwhelmed by his presence is with me tonight.
I'm so thankful to have a God so great, so loving and so forgiving.
I'm so thankful for a God who can take away my burdens and give me peace... even joy.
So so so blessed.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Again I Ask
Why school, why?
I was at school from 8:00 this morning til 8:30 at night.
My stomach is growling, I had to take the bus home.
I feel kind of sad inside.
School.
You suck dearly.
So very much.
Again I ask...
Why school...
just why?
I was at school from 8:00 this morning til 8:30 at night.
My stomach is growling, I had to take the bus home.
I feel kind of sad inside.
School.
You suck dearly.
So very much.
Again I ask...
Why school...
just why?
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Your Love Oh Lord
Recently, I've been connecting with my friends a lot more.
I didn't realize how much I missed them... but it's been really nice to have them in my life again. They are such beautiful people.
I also didn't realize that I can be very selfish on the matter of friends. I have loads of friends and a lot of the time I complain about how I don't have any. In all honestly, I was just a bad friend in not connecting and retaining that relationship in the first place.
All in all, I complain too much and don't do enough of what I say I should do. This I've already come into an understanding of but that doesn't mean it should carry on.
The people in my life matter very much and I worry about them all the time but my actions do not speak louder than words and this is something I've really been trying to do better of.
I love the people in my life and they deserve to know that I do.
I regret not doing more, and I regret being selfish.
God has really placed on my heart to love more... to not just contain His love for me in myself. It's definitely not meant for just me.
I grew up not knowing really how to show it... but that doesn't mean God can't teach me.
I'm going to keep this in my prayer and try to do more... rather than just say I'll do it.
I didn't realize how much I missed them... but it's been really nice to have them in my life again. They are such beautiful people.
I also didn't realize that I can be very selfish on the matter of friends. I have loads of friends and a lot of the time I complain about how I don't have any. In all honestly, I was just a bad friend in not connecting and retaining that relationship in the first place.
All in all, I complain too much and don't do enough of what I say I should do. This I've already come into an understanding of but that doesn't mean it should carry on.
The people in my life matter very much and I worry about them all the time but my actions do not speak louder than words and this is something I've really been trying to do better of.
I love the people in my life and they deserve to know that I do.
I regret not doing more, and I regret being selfish.
God has really placed on my heart to love more... to not just contain His love for me in myself. It's definitely not meant for just me.
I grew up not knowing really how to show it... but that doesn't mean God can't teach me.
I'm going to keep this in my prayer and try to do more... rather than just say I'll do it.
Monday, April 29, 2013
How He Loves
How is God so good to someone like me?
This is something I will never understand....
And I don't think I'm someone who is meant to understand and comprehend His love for me.
This year has definitely been quite painful, but I really believe that through all this hurt... God has shown me the love he has for me more than ever.
Throughout the constant realizations of things within my life and just the constant obstacles that have been appearing, I've never been more loved in my life by trusting God.
Trusting in what?
Well.
Trusting that God is taking care of me.
It's been hard to have faith that anything in this world could help me through conflict and struggles in my life because people have proven to fail me at every turn.
But, when I really let go this time, the faith I have has carried me farther that I ever hoped it would go. Even if there was bad news, even if I failed at something, God has really taken care of me in the end.
I'm not worthy of this love.
But His grace is greater than all of that.
Thanks God.
You've given me more than comfort and surpassed what is ordinary...
You've given me a life I want to live for you no matter the discomfort.
For you, in you, anything is possible.
Saturday, February 02, 2013
Already There
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there
One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how the pieces fit
My God is good.
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there
One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how the pieces fit
My God is good.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Hey 3rd Year
I realized after attending my first classes of the year, as the business courses get higher in level, the profanity from the profs also get higher. It was pretty funny how their anger channels out of them in the form of curse words. However, what I get from their profanity is that they really do care about their students and how much they succeed.
I'm pretty excited about this semester because I find Finance is just the kind of math I enjoy and am willing to put in the effort for, and business law is just extremely interesting. Also, Religion and Politics sounds suuuuper interesting and hopefully I'll be able to get to work on time. Maybe I'll just drop my Japanese Civilization class.. or just do 5 again this year. I'm a little iffy on the accounting part, so I'll have to somehow figure out how I'm suppose to study for that class haha.
So.. ya! Hopefully things turn out better this year for school despite how much I'm dreading it.
Bye now!
I'm pretty excited about this semester because I find Finance is just the kind of math I enjoy and am willing to put in the effort for, and business law is just extremely interesting. Also, Religion and Politics sounds suuuuper interesting and hopefully I'll be able to get to work on time. Maybe I'll just drop my Japanese Civilization class.. or just do 5 again this year. I'm a little iffy on the accounting part, so I'll have to somehow figure out how I'm suppose to study for that class haha.
So.. ya! Hopefully things turn out better this year for school despite how much I'm dreading it.
Bye now!
Friday, September 07, 2012
Should've Been Me
Should've been me
Should've been us
Should've been there hanging on the cross
All of this shame
All of these scars
Should've been stains that were never washed
Why do I hide
Why do you try over and over again
I guess it just leaves me saying Thank God
For this heart you changed
This soul you raised my God
For taking my place
...
I guess it just leaves me saying Thank God...
For the should've been.
Should've been us
Should've been there hanging on the cross
All of this shame
All of these scars
Should've been stains that were never washed
Why do I hide
Why do you try over and over again
I guess it just leaves me saying Thank God
For this heart you changed
This soul you raised my God
For taking my place
...
I guess it just leaves me saying Thank God...
For the should've been.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
DVBS Week 4
I am suuuuuuper tired as of the moment, but I'm still thinking of things to do for tomorrow. I just tried the experiment that I wanted to show the kids tomorrow... it consisted of using milk, food colouring, a cotton swab and dish soap. My mother watched me as I carried it out but did not like how I wasted milk haha... That's okay... Although I suppose it is quite a waste.
This week kind of hit me like a train. I don't know why, I was alright for the first 3 weeks, but man, week 4 just kind killed. The kids this year made me think back to why I went for the interview for the teaching position. I really missed them and it's the same reason I don't want week 6 to come too soon. These kids have really given me lots to learn from and they honestly make me so happy. Even though there are the occasional bad attitudes, I still enjoy their presence despite it.
Through these few weeks... God has shown me just how much he loves these kids... Watching these kids learn about Him, receive through Him has been such an honest blessing. None of these kids would have showed up if it weren't for Him. Even if it was just a tiny miracle, to change the weather outside so they could stay dry from the rain, or just fun in the sun.... It's the evidence of God's love for these kids. Every kid who had safely returned from our field trips is also proof of God's protection over these kids, because man.. sometimes we are unorganized. Praise God in everything.
I never thought that teaching a lesson for these kids would also help me grow. Each lesson pushes me to do what I teach. I am definitely not teacher material, but somehow God is helping me pull through. It's been a struggle to keep in mind why I'm doing VBS sometimes... to fight with myself about personal gain versus doing what I do for the kids and planting seeds. Man, pride is a huge issue for me and it's a battle everyday to remind myself.
I'm excited for the 6 weeks to end because I am getting worn out... but hopefully I'll be alright in terms of lasting energy and... it doesn't end too too soon.. =)
This week kind of hit me like a train. I don't know why, I was alright for the first 3 weeks, but man, week 4 just kind killed. The kids this year made me think back to why I went for the interview for the teaching position. I really missed them and it's the same reason I don't want week 6 to come too soon. These kids have really given me lots to learn from and they honestly make me so happy. Even though there are the occasional bad attitudes, I still enjoy their presence despite it.
Through these few weeks... God has shown me just how much he loves these kids... Watching these kids learn about Him, receive through Him has been such an honest blessing. None of these kids would have showed up if it weren't for Him. Even if it was just a tiny miracle, to change the weather outside so they could stay dry from the rain, or just fun in the sun.... It's the evidence of God's love for these kids. Every kid who had safely returned from our field trips is also proof of God's protection over these kids, because man.. sometimes we are unorganized. Praise God in everything.
I never thought that teaching a lesson for these kids would also help me grow. Each lesson pushes me to do what I teach. I am definitely not teacher material, but somehow God is helping me pull through. It's been a struggle to keep in mind why I'm doing VBS sometimes... to fight with myself about personal gain versus doing what I do for the kids and planting seeds. Man, pride is a huge issue for me and it's a battle everyday to remind myself.
I'm excited for the 6 weeks to end because I am getting worn out... but hopefully I'll be alright in terms of lasting energy and... it doesn't end too too soon.. =)
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
731 days
Today was a really good day! And thanks to Mr.D for making it fantastic! =) We did many activities which mainly consisted of pet searching.
Cochrane, Science Centre, Calgary Humane Society, Douglasdale Trail, showhomes, and to top it off C&C.
Yay!
Cochrane, Science Centre, Calgary Humane Society, Douglasdale Trail, showhomes, and to top it off C&C.
Yay!
Friday, June 22, 2012
White Chicks
I just finished watching White Chicks, oh man.. it is such a classic movie. I forgot how funny it was =) I had some good laughs. I wonder if there are any more movies out there like that...
Lately a lot of people have been pricking at my nerves. It's something I have to get over but at the same time I just keep getting angry. For example, I'm not exactly the happiest at how people are responding to volunteering for DVBS. Whether it's their willingness to volunteer, or what they volunteer for. I don't blame people who really can't make it because of a job or something. The thing is that even though some people have work, their hearts are still praying for DVBS and eagerly want to help out. I won't complain about the people who are willing to give up their time to come help out either... but for the people who do have the time... I'm just going to end there. I'm just wondering what people's hearts are set on.
Volunteer training is coming up next week. I have prepared a few things here and there to say about where I hope and pray their hearts are.. but I question just how many people are going to pay attention and listen. I'm not out to condemn anyone, but I'm just frustrated. So frustrated with a lot of things and I can't think of anything that will make a change, or make an impact. I feel so useless despite my frustrations and that only makes my frustrations worsen.
I spent the last few weeks asking myself what I'm doing for DVBS and where my heart is. I'll be honest and say that when we started, my heart was anywhere but DVBS. But after praying, and just renewing my thoughts.. conviction strikes.. and patience begins.
All right. I'm going to end here. That's all I have to blog for now. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with blogging when DVBS starts. I'm starting to get excited about it. And to be brutally honest... I miss those kids.
Lately a lot of people have been pricking at my nerves. It's something I have to get over but at the same time I just keep getting angry. For example, I'm not exactly the happiest at how people are responding to volunteering for DVBS. Whether it's their willingness to volunteer, or what they volunteer for. I don't blame people who really can't make it because of a job or something. The thing is that even though some people have work, their hearts are still praying for DVBS and eagerly want to help out. I won't complain about the people who are willing to give up their time to come help out either... but for the people who do have the time... I'm just going to end there. I'm just wondering what people's hearts are set on.
Volunteer training is coming up next week. I have prepared a few things here and there to say about where I hope and pray their hearts are.. but I question just how many people are going to pay attention and listen. I'm not out to condemn anyone, but I'm just frustrated. So frustrated with a lot of things and I can't think of anything that will make a change, or make an impact. I feel so useless despite my frustrations and that only makes my frustrations worsen.
I spent the last few weeks asking myself what I'm doing for DVBS and where my heart is. I'll be honest and say that when we started, my heart was anywhere but DVBS. But after praying, and just renewing my thoughts.. conviction strikes.. and patience begins.
All right. I'm going to end here. That's all I have to blog for now. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with blogging when DVBS starts. I'm starting to get excited about it. And to be brutally honest... I miss those kids.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Scars
Praise God we don't have to hide scars,
They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
They remind us of where we have been but not who we are...
There once was a King who so burdened with grief
Walked into death so we could find peace
He rose up with scars on his hands and his feet
By them we are healed...
By them we are healed...
They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
They remind us of where we have been but not who we are...
There once was a King who so burdened with grief
Walked into death so we could find peace
He rose up with scars on his hands and his feet
By them we are healed...
By them we are healed...
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
Have you?
So I recently came across this question that has pretty much put me on the spot and gave me a little kicker.
Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?
And... I haven't. Not even enough to qualify it as more than a prayer about it maybe once or twice a week. I am so guilty of this.
I've been falling back on my readings in the Bible, and I just haven't been putting God first as much as I should. AND! I definitely haven't been praying as much as I should be.
Guilty guilty guilty.
I read in my devotion book (that I also haven't been reading as much as I should >_>), that prayer is the strongest connection you could have to God. It's the thing that builds your bond. How can you get closer to someone if you never talk to them? I tried to make it my goal in that week to really work on that. I totally failed at that. Procrastination came and I welcomed it in with open arms. Now I'm stuck in this never ending circle where I can never get anything done.
I have so many excuses lined up to defend myself as to why I haven't been doing all of this and it's clear to me that the only thing I'm good at is making up excuses.
There are so many things that I want to pray for... and I would really like the people around me to pray for them as well. SO! However (if any) is reading this, here is a list of things that I would like to have prayed for... which i should pray for myself as well.
- The salvation of my family and friends
- Direction in my life and motivation
YUP! That's the giant list.
That's all I wanted to share today, good night!
Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?
And... I haven't. Not even enough to qualify it as more than a prayer about it maybe once or twice a week. I am so guilty of this.
I've been falling back on my readings in the Bible, and I just haven't been putting God first as much as I should. AND! I definitely haven't been praying as much as I should be.
Guilty guilty guilty.
I read in my devotion book (that I also haven't been reading as much as I should >_>), that prayer is the strongest connection you could have to God. It's the thing that builds your bond. How can you get closer to someone if you never talk to them? I tried to make it my goal in that week to really work on that. I totally failed at that. Procrastination came and I welcomed it in with open arms. Now I'm stuck in this never ending circle where I can never get anything done.
I have so many excuses lined up to defend myself as to why I haven't been doing all of this and it's clear to me that the only thing I'm good at is making up excuses.
There are so many things that I want to pray for... and I would really like the people around me to pray for them as well. SO! However (if any) is reading this, here is a list of things that I would like to have prayed for... which i should pray for myself as well.
- The salvation of my family and friends
- Direction in my life and motivation
YUP! That's the giant list.
That's all I wanted to share today, good night!
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