Your Love, Your Everlasting Love

My finger tips are starting to become very red and painful... yet this brings some sort of accomplishment to me. I started to play Bubbly by Colbie Caillat and like... I can get the strumming down, but when I start to sing along with it, it... doesn't work. This means I need more work haha, I honestly love Mr. Hoon, gosh, I can spend hours just sitting there with my fingers in pain playing the guitar. With the piano (who I also love) it's more difficult to do what I want because my family has a disorder in which they cannot stop watching tv, and the tv is quite distracting especially the noise level that my dad watches it at. And when the house is finally quiet, it's because it's time to sleep... and I lose the chance to play in quiet. With the guitar, I can play as long as I want even when they are asleep since it's transportable... which is awesome! I really want to tone up my piano free styling though haha, I love to rock out on the piano. That's why I have considered buying an electronic keyboard to put in my room... but... it's expensive and my room no longer has any room for anything... and due to the fact that I refuse to organize and clean up my room... that causes some issues.
I really want to start graphics designing and stuff related to arts and photography, it's really starting to appeal to me... BUT, I know.. I'm no good at it... Come to think of it... I'm not good at anything. Like I'm average, but I don't excel in any area of... well... basically everything. I did really bad on my physics unit test... and so now I feel quite depressed although not as depressed as I thought i would be. Probably because it's not as important right about now. I actually have not been doing much homework or anything in general, I keep getting distracted and sidetracked and this is really affecting my work ethics and such. I blame IB. Where can I find motivation? It's very hard, I HAVE STEP IT UP. I honestly need to do well because it's not only for my sake BUT FOR ..... okay I don't really have anything else, but I guess I could get more motivation if I'm doing this for God. And thinking of it just now, makes me more pumped. That is the sign of good things to come.
I can't wait to drive!! AHH!!! I honestly love the thought of being able to get to places faster. Haha, and my driving skillage is increasing, so... hopefully by the end of next week I will have it. I would get it this week but apparently it's snowing on saturday... now that won't do will it? OKAY TIME TO DO PHYSICS AND STUDY SOMETHING!! LET'S DO THIS. I really should start earlier shouldn't I?

Well, I end here now.

BAAAAAAAAI

You Found Me

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin' on the floor

The Fray comes out with some pretty good stuff, I just found this song from MorganThen doing a cover for it. That guy is so talented and more than that, he incorporates some exotic taste into the music that he does a cover for like that asian string thing (i'm so bad at describing things) and the bongo thing =P Goooo Morganthen!

Decisions, decisions, decisions. University, relationships, family, everything in life just seems to be based off of the decisions one makes. I like to think of the long term and it seems like because of that I've become this insane crazy woman that thinks too much. I'm going to become psychotic for that one of these days. A lot of the times I just feel so insecure by the decisions that I make and so it makes me think that I could never lead in anything or become a leader in anything because these are people who make all the big decisions and stuff. I guess that has caused me a lot of set backs and what I'm willing to do. I want to leave these decisions all to God but it's so hard to set aside my thoughts and just let God take the driver's seat.
Hopefully one of these days... it'll just settle down... and I don't have to stress for like one day. I keep thinking that once something is over I won't have to stress about it anymore, but for a year or two now, I can't stop stressing about something. It's crazy. I need to calm down .

9/9/9

September 9th, 2009
Hmm... I think the Chinese people would have liked it more September 9th, 1999, more nines haha. There are still so many things that are heavy in my heart these days. So very many. Family problems, relationship problems, ... problems with myself. Just too many problems. As much as I wish that they would all just go away and I'll live my life happily ever after... Ya, it's not going to happen. I really want to make grade 12 memorable for me. It's my last year of high school before I most on to post-secondary where ever that may be. I've been talking to my counselor and then I got sent to the... CALM guy. I guess I'm starting to get a better picture of what I might want to go into. Honestly, it's more researching and finding what I like more than anything. So some things that have been bothering me is... my grade 9 piano exam mark sheet has somehow disappeared. Another thing is.. Even though I'm done my grade 10 piano exam, i'm not satisfied with it. I feel very uneasy about it. I have considered taking my ARCT but now with my unpleasant mark and my unwillingness to redo grade 10, it looks like I'm not going to take it. -sigh-
I thought finishing grade 10 piano would be a huge relief for me, but... now it just feels like I'm missing a part of me. I've played piano for about 13 years, and I started when I was 4. Thinking about that now, really wows me. Not that I'm any good at piano, it's just the length of time that I spent on it... makes me happy. Now that I have so much spare time, I've been filling it with school activities. I never did like school activities but because it IS my last year, I want to do something fulfilling with it. I really want to watch the movie 9, it looks really cool. Wow, way off topic here.
There are a lot of things I want to accomplish at the moment. One consists of actually getting my homework done... and the main one is to really focus on God. I keep losing track and I've begun to totally fade from it. Everytime this happens, it just drives me ridiculously crazy. To me, life without God is meaningless. So, I know what's important and I will strive to make things in my life that are important, first.

And so the story goes on

It seems that all that I've feared has come to a conclusion. There is just no more doubt in what I feel. The hard part would be to confront it... Something I have never been successful in doing. It feels as though if I don't act on it... my heart will just get eaten away. I honestly don't know if my decisions will turn into something I'll like, but... I have a feeling that I probably won't regret it. I have never known what is best, and I probably never will. I just know that there are decisions that I have to choose in order to continue on with my life. Everything would be easier if I could just close my eyes and wish away everything that troubles me and I won't have to deal with anything. Life would be too simple... and in this world, it's never simple... or at least when you start to grow up. Another factor why I hate growing up.
There has been things going on at home that I just don't really feel. Days like today just makes me want to shrivel up in a corner and hope and hope someone will come by and make it all better.
All of hope and all of what I really want right now is for God to take over. The driver's seat really isn't what I'm set for. My need to focus on God seems to be growing more and more... And to be with someone who can't share that aspect of me... I don't think I can handle it anymore. The most important thing in my life can't be shared with someone who I want to share my life would... just doesn't mix.

Honestly, i don't know when to act on it, nor do I know when I'll build enough courage. Hurting people... just isn't my forte.

每分每秒每一個聲音

Ever have your mind mess with what you want? It's either my heart or my mind that's just playing with me. It likes to turn a 180 on me and leave me exactly where I started. I can't think things through nor can I feel my way out. I'm confused as to where I truly want to be. It feels like something is clawing at my heart, aching to get my attention but I just can't seem to tune in. I can't seem to put myself into a state of serenity and calm every inch of me just to think. I feel so agitated and irritated that I just want to punch a wall!!! I'm sure I could make a hole in it, but it would be more harm than good. After all, I'd have to tell my parents about a hole in the wall, and I know they would not be happy with me. And just for that reason, I will resist all temptations of punching a wall. Maybe if I a nice big punching bag that I could whack, oh so nice. I should take up kick boxing O_O (laughs) However, a facebook quiz told me that as a pokemon I would be Machamp, wahaha, I'm so macho, that makes me feel great =)

Hopefully sooner or later... hopefully sooner...... I'll eventually dig my way out of this one. There's always light at the end of a tunnel, and I guess until I've come to a full out conclusion of my feelings and where I want to be, I'll be stuck, in a hole, perhaps in a tunnel with no idea where this is leading me.

4 hours????

Once again, I am missing 4 hours of wonderful payment for sitting.
It makes me sad. So here are a couple things that I really want to purch-ase, one of em cameras that can make me look like a total pro although a supa noob, I really want to do some photography, i mean... DIVE INTO MY VORTEX OF INTERESTS. I would like that. I've always been curious about photography but i've never tried it out, so hopefully I can spend my money well. Let's see, another thing is that guitar!! Argh, i really liked my previous guitar before it was sadly broken into 2 pieces (which i never saw) and thrown out so that ugly nasty little critters can pamper all over it. AH, that thought makes me cry myself to sleep. Which also reminds me that I would also like to pur-chase a saxamaphone. I would like to take that up again, although all these items are going to all be very pricey. If I were to take up the saxophone again, I wonder which one... It's either the alto or the soprano, alto so that I can look extremely awesome with it, and soprano because it's smaller, lighter, .... and Reggie Dabbs had one =P AND A STUDY BIBLEE!!!!! AHAJ IO KFJJ NAC, I recently took up the bible once again, but there are always those parts that when I read... I don't understand why... or what happened. Explainations would be helpful. Maybe I should tab those parts in my bible and go back to them when I do get a study bible. Hmm...

One of my goals before the summer ends is... Watch the sunset on Nosehill, AND NO CLOUD BLOCKAGE THANK YOOU. For one thing... the sunrise is very convienient for me because I discovered that after I take my run to nosehill, watch the sun rise, come back, I can always go back to bed if i'm tired (which is always) and i will be well rested for the day (laughs) I really want to see that sunset tho... I just have to find myself a way to not get paranoid on the walk back O_O WELL, I just have to keep telling myself, i'm not going to get kidnapped by a roaming zombie with a chainsaw. OR maybe i'll just rack up someone to come with me. Hmm... i think if i really wanted to see the city lights from nosehill.. it could happen, but i'm assuming that would be a very long walk... and due to my weak physical spirit, i don't think I could last very long... although i'm sure I would have a very strong mental spirit.

Wow, today was a long bloggage. O_O
OKAY TIME FOR SOME LOVIN' FROM MY OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB

Noodlely appendages

Neveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer
EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR
let your guard down, not for one moment
because this world has tendencies to throw things at you
and sometimes, it even decides to step on you once in a while.
It's so tricky dicky.

Week in and week out, i've been feeling pretty tired
despite sleeping for extremely long hours...
hold on...
this may be the cause of my tiredness
(laughs)
The Naruto anime that have been watching is not epic at all
i thought that it would be more exciting and
pump my adrenaline
but i have come to the conclusion that only the beginning
of naruto was good.
AND HOPEFULLY... the manga will start to get better once again...
i've been on cliffhangers for far too long now.
Oh... i should get reading on some of the books i took out
and finish the dramas jeremy got me for my birthday (-tear- one of my only birthday presents)

Some things i need to keep in mind
and really focus are,
reading my bible every night,
i feel good everytime i get pass a chapter
hehe.
ANDDDDD i really need to sharpen them piano skillage
I HAVE TO PASS IT
or i'ma cry, otherwise the 3 hours a day i spend with the piano
will be for nothing.
T_T
sooooo I PRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
and i'll believe =D

EXAMINATION TIME

YOU SUCK.
SOOOO MUCH.
mmhmm..
i hatechu exams, really i do T_T
BUT U BETTER BRING UP MY MARKS
OR I WILL....
....

I CAN'T DO ANYTHINGGGGGG

-sigh-
T_T

JUUUUUUUUUUUUUNE

WHY ARE YOU HERE SOO SOO SOON.
MY CHEM HAS DIED, AND MY MATH HAS DIED ALSO
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY
And bio.. ... ya i just gave up on you
AND WHY ELAAA
WHYYYY MUST POETRY BE SO DECEIVING???
-tear- i just had to fail didn't i?

Oh YC, YC oh YC.
I had an enjoyable time..
but this time round...
it was really different than my first one.
King.
I will remember that one for life.
But this time, Live it Loud, this is something
that will stick with me til the end.
I don't think i have ever cried with such a reality hitting me.
A revealing of something that i don't think i would be able to face
until it just smacks me right up the head.
I was really hoping that there would be this overflow of happiness
that God is in my life, and that i would be rejoicing with joy
after YC, but.. it didn't happen.
I was overflowed however... with emotions that really really grasped me.
It was a truth that i don't think i could run away from anymore.
To be faced with yourself, your true self and to really look at yourself
and evaluate who you are... it's something that really brings the tears coming.
I saw myself... and i hated it.
What i was becoming, and what i was in the past.
There were so many things that i came to realize... i couldn't let go.
I felt like a pathetic fool, living my life with such stupidity.
And... there in that stadium... it's like i had an epiphany.
I just bolted me so hard, i could barely keep balance.
After YC... i really wanted to go for a change.
And i really really want to walk back onto the Lord's path.
It's... a lot harder than i thought it would be.
I can barely keep awake at night to pray my sorrows, my joy and my thoughts.
I can barely feel the life that hangs around my neck.
I hate this.
The thing that I want the most is so far out of reach.
And it's even worse that I am barely giving out enough strength to reach.
I hate myself for this.
I can't stand this.
I just... really want to hold onto my God tightly, never swaying.
So why...
why can't i find the strength to put You first.
I'm so sorry for this, and grieving gives me nothing.
Yet... yet i still am.
God... save me.

A Feeling like today

I feel very old and wrinkly today
haha
I had the hardest time getting up in the morning today.
Oh maaan, and luckily i was only about 5 mins late for class.
Well.. i only went to that one class for math.
I hate skipping math.
It feels like i miss something really important, and...
i do.
Anywho....
I'm kinda mad that the school called my house saying I skipped
when clearly i was excused from classes because of IB exam.
And speaking of IB exams...
I feel like throwing myself into a little hole and covering it
with a plush blanket.
I am not exactly stressed.
Well I am, it's just that I know that I'm way too relaxed
yet at the same time i feel the pressure unfolding itself on me
like a an earthquake and along with a 9.5 on the richter scale.
Ya, i learned about that in math today for logarithm applications.
I love math.
haha
I am absolutely not prepared for this test
and yet i paid a ridiculous amount for it.
I agree with what everyone is saying, i literally dug my own grave,
drowned myself causing my lungs to be filled with water
thus collapsing my whole respiratory system.
I PAID FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME.

Another thing i discovered is that,
the more i have to do,
and the amount of stress that builds up on me,
the more less i'm willing to do anything
and the more i'm procrastinating.
And let me tell you, NEVER, EVER,
start a drama in the middle of studying for an exam.
Worst mistake I made these past few weeks.
Now i'm left wallowing over the adorable scenes from Why Why Love.
Gosh, that is a cute drama.
Anyways.. I must get back to studying.
AND IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I'LL DO WELL ANYWAYS.
i'll probably get like a 2 despite all of this cramming
and studying til my brain and physical body is tried out.

Alive in this Moment

Gotta love Starfield =)
I'm feeeeeling the Holy Spirit BURNING in me =)
ahhh!!
I really can't wait til YC 2009.
I missed YC 2007 too much.
I'm really looking forward to YC next month,
it's going to get me so pumped for Jesus.
I remember just entering that building for the first time
and coming across... many many Christians.
You can feel the love.
I gotta recharge my batteries, i feel so worn out.

God is so amazing.
How can something so wonderful... love me?
I'm so happy to know this.
Everything about this belief, this knowing brings me to to my feet
in joy and excitement.
The only thing in the world that can bring a real smile on my face
has only got to be Jesus Christ and everything that comes with it.
Hallelujah <3

Peace of Mind

You are, You are,
The light of all the heaven
...
I want to hold the hand that holds the world

I find comfort in the Lord.
I pray to find guidance and to find peace in my heart.
This week has been hectic and I'm starting to find myself
to become more and more annoyed at everything.
I need to calm down and take it easy
but then I can't take anything easy or too lightly.
I'm responsible for everything I do.
GAH.
I just want this month to be over.

Quote of the day:
"There is no art to find the mind's construction in the face."

Zhao is in the hooouse

Hmm.. that rhymes..
...
no it doesn't but hey!!
it kind of does....

What a pleasent surprise today =D
Got a wonderful mark in my math ... but jeremy shot me down by saying
it wasn't good enough T_T
ANYWAYS, that's fine, i worked for my mark and i'm happy =D
However.. there is always the downfall.
English oh english.
I always thought i was good enough for you, i guess not.
Why must you not reciprocate my feelings?
I'm left heartbroken now that you have shattered my love i gave you.
-cough- that just means i need to work harder!!!
!!!!!!

What a Wonderful... God

My heart's on fire.
This feeling is so amazing.
Brings me back to 2006-2007.
Praise the Lord.
Live it Loud 2009...
.... here I come wahahaha

If we are the Body - Casting Crowns

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
Trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat
And quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances tells him that his chances
Are better out on the road

But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ

If we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way

Jesus is the way

It's rather hard
to say the things that you want to say
using your mouth.
I mean i could have soo many things that i want to say
to make the person stop worrying..
but it's so hard.
All i can muster up is a: oh...
ya...
sorry...
Honestly. i could do so much better than that.
But
i can't.
ahhh this fustrates me

ah, yes.. ib

IB... what to say...
i'm already stressed...
i don't have that much hw...
actually.. it's quite a lot... compared to junior high
i just want to finish it early and not have to do it...
i have horrible time management.
I'm getting through.
I don't even know where this stress is coming from...
It's crazy.
Crazy IB.

French..
I do not like french.
Everyone in class looks like they understand everything
that the teacher says...
I'm sitting there not understanding anything..
Ahhh.. the people around me are probably thinking i am realllly stupid.
That's okay.. i'm probably just language retarded or something haha.
Anywho...
i really hope school gets better...

First day...

Dang.. good thing no other grades were there today
it would have been intimidating.
Yes.. it was a very long day... for a short day....
I thought that it would be very hard to start school
without a lot of my close friends there...
but it wasn't like that.
It was just like any other day at school except with new people.
I had friends there.. maybe that's why.
In grade 9 at the beginning of the year, i had this flame that wanted
me to do really really well in school.
That worked out... til after half the year had past. And then i just
procrastinated... and depended on more and more people to help me
study for tests and do homework.
Now grade 10.. i have this flaming fire of... i dunno hahaha
i really want to do well in ib now that i'm in it....
i've decided that if i'm really going to drop ib.. it should be at the end of the year.
Ya....
I want to work hard... yet i have a fear of working hard... i don't have any idea why... but i do..
Yes..... the people at Diefenbaker seem nice...
and they all.. have confidence in making friends and such so easily
and.. i don't hahaha...
i've never had confidence in that area...
oh well...
it'll all be good..

ahhh

i'm so not ready for high school

It's great...

To have such forgiving friends!